July 26, 2007

Suggestion Box: Viking Raid

Gentle Reader,

A small bronze box was recently unearthed in Greenland where it had been frozen in a layer of permafrost for almost one thousand years.

Inside, archaeologists were astonished to find several small pieces of parchment and a couple tiny pencils.

Upon translating writing from the slips of parchment, the box proved to be akin to a modern day suggestion box.

It appears that the Vikings at least seemed to care greatly about the quality of their own pillaging, as noted by the commentary that helpless villagers left in the box.

Here are the comments in their entirety:

"Please make sure to announce your approach at least three suns before attack. This will give future victims time to get into the mountains and away from your death-bringers! Thanks!"

"I thought most of your group handled themselves well, but I was disappointed in the vast amount of despoiling you have put to us. After a while, it's just overkill, signifying nothing."

"Less fire-starting, more clubbing."

"I preferred the way last year's raping and pillaging went. You would do well to compare notes with the Ummglanvik Viking clan. Talk about execution! Those guys really made us feel unspecial."

"Let me just say that Torvald Ingebrettson (sp? Sorry!) totally swings a mean mace! Seriously, I have the dead family to prove it! Yeeoowcch! Watch out! LOL!"

"Keep up the good work!" (three comments)

"In the future, I would like there to be less screaming. I have to work in the morning, and it's hard to sleep with all the very loud mortal terror you instill. Gags, maybe?"

"Could you guys bring along some Viking women, so us men can, at least, more convincingly pretend to enjoy our being raped?"*

"I felt that no one really listened to my pleas for mercy."

"This was the fifteenth raid I've endured over the past twelve years, and not once have I seen a woman in a leadership position within your organization. You need to examine your hiring practices immediately!"*

"Great crab dip!"

"It's one thing to kill some, rape some and loot us all; it's another to require survivors to sing show tunes for you until three in the morning! That's wrong!"

"Thanks for including me in your plans. It's nice to be thought of."

(* - Archaeologists suspect these two comments may have been from the same masochistic villager.)

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