July 23, 2007

Job Review: Christ

Job Review: Christ

Jesus Christ
Phil (non-speaking)

Setting: Interior, Rick's office, desk with chairs on either side.

(Lights up, Rick is perusing paperwork, knock is heard)

Rick: Enter.

(Enter Jesus Christ)

R: Hey, Jesus. Come in... sit down, sit down.

(Jesus sits)

R: (long pause, picking up Jesus's personnel file, heavy sigh) Well, let's get this over with, huh?

J: That bad?

R: Oh, come on, Jesus; please don't act oblivious. I think we are both well aware that this probably isn't going to be the most pleasant experience.

J: Well...

R: You know that you've been underperforming.

J: I...

R: Not living up to your potential, that's for sure.

J: Well, Rick, I just... I...

R: No excuses, please, Jesus. You came in with great references. I mean, look, we had God's word on your abilities.

J: Perhaps, I really just wanted to be...

R: Jesus, Jesus! Expectations were so high, and, you know what... know what...? Perhaps, that's the problem. We probably slapped some very unrealistic expectations on you.

J: That's what I've been feeling! That's what I wanted to say.

R: Okay, okay, okay. Fair enough... the leprosy thing, the blind guy... I guess we thought, shit, this guy's gonna save us millions in health care! In retrospect, maybe that wasn't fair of us, maybe that was too much to expect of someone in your position.

J: I've, you know, I've never really been sure what my position here was... what my real responsibilities are. I mean, I know I was hired as sort of a... a... what did you call it?

R: We've always wanted you to be the utility infielder / journeyman guy here at the plant. Doing whatever was necessary to help everyone else succeed and work error-free.

J: Rick, I've been trying. Lord knows, I've been trying to do that.

R: So... what's getting in the way?

J: I think... I think... there's just so many conflicting demands.

R: Yeah, yeah, it's hard working with so many different people; you've got to be flexible.

J: Like lunch the other day, the place is fairly busting out with loaves and fishes, and some people are eating, but then others are asking where the salad is... I didn't know that they... you know... and something to drink, and people complaining that they don't like fish, and "Hey, Jesus, it's sure be nice to have something to wash this heavy bread down." and, well, it was a mess.

R: I agree.

J: You see?

R: Yes. I think the question then is how that can be addressed so it doesn't happen again.

J: I think I just have to keep my head in the game, and everything will start turning around for me.

R: Well... that's pretty much the same answer you gave last year.

J: I... I know, but...

R: The truth is that the workers are still screwing up left and right. You were brought in to help everyone work more proficiently...

J: Please, Rick...

R: We've given you a few years, but it's time to come clean on something.

J: Just one more chance, come on...

R: I talked to Al and Vic at HQ, Jesus.

J: Aww... crap.

R: They agree... we have to let you go.

J: No, Rick... it's all I have... I... what else am I going to do?

R: That's the good news; you don't have to worry about that, Jesus. We've got your future covered for you.

J: Really?

R: Yeah, Al and Vic and I all think the workers really need a visible reminder about pursuing a clean work life; so we've decided that we're not going to fire you...

J: Wait, you just said that...

R: I know, I know... we've decided, instead, to crucifire you.

(On cue, a worker, Phil, carries in a large wooden cross)

J: Crucifire...?

R: Yeah, in the lunch room. Today. Here... just get under this cross and follow Phil down there.

(Jesus is handed the cross, he shakes his head sadly)

J: Not this again. (pause) Rick, why have you forsaken me?

R: Just doing my job, Jesus.

(Jesus gets his shoulder under the cross, slowly lugs it offstage, behind Phil)

R: (back to perusing his papers on the desk) Let's see... who's next? Mohammed? (heavy sigh) Shit, don't I get a break today?

(A knock is heard, lights fade)

R: Enter.

(lights out)



Jim H. said...

Poor Phil

Anonymous said...

Almost all the lists are funny, but this one is beyond that, going right into blasphunny, my favorite kind of funny. Please put me down for two tickets to the premiere.

Brendon Etter said...

Thanks for the compliment, Christopher. I try hard. "Blasphunny"... that's blaspunny...

I like it!

Even flirted with the idea of having Mohammed walk on stage at the end, but who knows what quanities of religious shit that would have heaped upon me.

As for the premiere, well, this play is among a couple hundred others that I would love to produce as well.