July 6, 2007

Bad Names I Never Called You and My Valid Reasons For Not Doing So

The Bad Name - The Valid Reason I Do Not Use It to Describe You

1. The Pope of Poopy Panties
- While you do frequently wear women's underwear, and you do have bowel control issues, you are still only an Archbishop.

2. Arrogant Ass - While it seems high and mighty, I'm not sure that indicates arrogance. I will have to converse with your buttocks more extensively to determine its haughtiness.

3. Stevebot - Android, yes; Steven, no.

4. Yezjangalemener - Not at all sure what this is.

5. Cum Dumpster - You are actually only a cum recycling bin.

6. Dogface - Not a bad name, considering you are a dog who, thankfully, has a face.

7. Bitch-ass Ho - Sure, we've had our differences in the past, but you're 94, in a nursing home, and essentially catatonic. For these reasons and more, I just think this is overkill in describing you as my grandmother.

8. Jailbait - Doesn't apply to you; because I ended up with only three years of probation.

9. Son of a Bitch - Seeing as you are my brother, using this name puts me in a bit of a bind.

10. Cocksucking Whore - The fact that I never paid you means I really can't use this one. In a sense, both you and I get off on a technicality with this epithet.

11. Drug Mule - You are actually a pony.


Anonymous said...


What's with the name "lysteria"? If I were going to name a blog after a bacteria, I would choose one that's a little more sexy. Like Necrotizing fasciitis. Or Yersinia pestis. Or Mycobacterium leprae. Lysteria is so--well, no offense, but--boring. Heck, even Bartonella henselae is more interesting than Lysteria.

Brendon Etter said...

Well, the bacteria is generally spelled "listeria"...

It's a play on words, of course:

They are lists, which, I hope, people will find hysterical in nature and content.

I thought about "lysterical", but I thought "lysteria" would be easier for people to remember, and I'm getting a number of hits these days...

In fact, type "how to please a woman" in Google. My list of the same name is the number one hit.

Also, since I just added "lysteria" to the title of the blog on July 5, and it's already the 6th most popular Google hit (on July 7), it seems like it's working.

So, more exciting bacteria be damned.

Plus, have you really looked at listeria lately? It's definitely sexier than it used to be. Looking very good!

Anonymous said...

Ah, well I never was that good at spelling nor at figuring out clever puns.

Are you telling me that you're becoming Google-famous??!!! Cool. But I'm glad I was your fan from the very beginning, you know, back in the day when you had about four readers.

Brendon Etter said...


Your support has been very much appreciated.

You will, of course, be duly thanked in my best-selling autobiography, and in the credits for my Oscar-winning biopic.

I'm sure a room of the museum that is sure to be built in my honor after my demise could even bear some permutation of your names... especially, you know, if you helped out with a significant unrestricted bequest.