July 1, 2007

Abortion Is Awesome!

It's well-known among pro-life advocates that the reason pro-choicers fight for abortion rights has nothing to do with a woman's right to decide what to do with her own body. That's just a paper tiger. No, they fight for reproductive rights because, quite simply, abortion is totally fucking awesome!

Pro-lifers know this; they have been in denial for years about all the kick-ass aspects of abortion, fearful that, if too many people start having abortions, the country would turn into Dead Fetus Disneyland, and pro-lifers hate Disneyland because Disney is nice to homosexuals.

[On a side note, if too many French people started having abortions, than that whole area would turn into Dead Fetus EuroDisneyland, which would actually lead to fewer abortions.]

Why is abortion so awesome? Read here and find out!

1. It frees up valuable womb space that can then be used to smuggle narcotic-filled balloons across international lines.

2. There are never, ever any long-term emotional consequences for anyone involved. Ever.

3. Pay for ten, get your eleventh free.

4. Finally gives doctors something to do.

5. Allows men and women to be the non-stop sex machines that James Brown prophesied.

6. Women, at last, have something to talk about with other women.

7. Keeps the protest sign industry afloat.

8. Helps suppress the serial killing urges most obstetrical surgeons obviously feel.

9. One more person that never has to go to a Renaissance festival.

10. Allows arch-conservative fundamentalists to demonstrate exactly how much they hate the sinner but love the result of the sin.

11. For the fetus, it's like getting out of jail early.

12. Helps art school students with their anguished poetry.


Deeb said...

13. The condom companies' monopoly on the contraception industry threatened the entire American economy
14. Two words: Fetus Fights

Brendon Etter said...

David, stop being funnier than me, or I'll have to post these in a secret non-David quadrant of the internet!

I had a couple other that I was going to put on there, but they were just too disgusting, and I do have some taste about...

Ahhh, screw it...

15. You just haven't lived until you've tasted your first Fetus Smoothie.

16. Adorable severed fetus toes make great commemorative earrings.

MaddMedic said...

It never ceases to amaze one how thoughtful and insightful the Internet allows people to be.
Why I always thought of abortion as plain and simple murder. Which it is by the way.
But your thoughts made me realize how useful abortion can be. Now if we can just determine when a bleeding heart, American hating liberal is in the womb...... Solve a lot of problems before they start..

Brendon Etter said...

Wait... this can't be my Mom... no, the power of the argument... the crisp, witty wordplay... the schlocky, canned regurgitation of ideological argot... the inability to understand satire... what have you done with my Mother?!

It never ceases to amaze me how the internet itself has nothing to do with me writing thoughtful and insightful lists.

I've always been this thoughtful and insightful. Have you not been a subscriber to my academic journal, Thoughtful Insights Quarterly?

I mean, before the internet and before the journal, I used to rent small airplanes and use skywriting to produce these lists.

Before that, I just shouted them very loudly from street corners.

Oh, yeah, "American hating" should have a hyphen.

Please write "American-hating" on the chalkboard fifty times. Thank you.

MaddMedic said...

I'm impressed, you are quite obviously an ed-jee-cated person.

Me on the other hand? I'm just a working stiff whom answers a pager at all hours to go out and help people whom are sick, injured or think they are sick and/or injured.

Gee "fly an airplane and skywriting"!! Don't do any of ,that!!

Just splint, bandage, intubate, work cardiac arrests, treat diabetics and asthma attacks, heart attacks, control pain and hold an elderly person's hand after their loved one has passed on or maybe cradle a baby in my arms when a Mom wakes up and finds her baby stiff and blue, hands it to me and I need to do what I can between the tears.
I get cried on, bleed on, puked on , pissed on and shit on.

Really do not care to fly!
"Loudly from the street corners", personally I always found that somewhat annoying.

And no I am not your Mother, nor would I ever claim to be.

So go hyphenate yourself, please.

Brendon Etter said...

Clearly, you are better than me because you believe you are not as educated and work in the medical profession. That does afford you special graces, doesn't it?

Don't assume so much. Why not chose to believe that we both have the same amount of formal education, but I'm just naturally much, much smarter than you are?

I guess you want to believe that you are yet another poor worker bee being beat up by (what you assume must be) another lazy, do-nothing, intellectual elitist like myself.

But, no! Damnit! Your life is noble! You save lives! You participate in only the most honorable of actions!

Like anonymously posting vaguely-threatening responses on obviously satirical blog posts.

Bully for you, good sir/madam!

Since it will help you feel more victimized, I will point out that both instances of "whom" in your second paragraph should be "who" as they are both the subjects of clauses.

There are numerous other errors, but I think your pager's beeping.

Perhaps someone needs to shit on you again.

Anonymous said...

Abortion rocks my socks.

Just think! With abortion, we can end world hunger...


Anonymous said...

I agree. I'm glad you all support abortion. You've helped me make the decision have my firstborn son aborted before he is ever born.

I'm also having him made into diamonds.

Brendon Etter said...

Sweet, Anonymous!

But he's not your "firstborn" son unless he is birthed. He could be your firstkilled son, perhaps, though that's a clumsy word.

I'll leave that up to you.

Good luck with the aborted-fetus-to-diamonds conversion! I'd love to see the alchemy behind that transformation.

Magical, fantastical, fetal and thou!

Anonymous said...

man your a freakin idiot for thinkin all that mess....you seem not to understand that abortions are murder...would you want to be aborted or would you wanna have a chance at life??? think about your life and get it together

Brendon Etter said...

Thanks, Anonymous! You seem not to understand that I was aborted! I am abortion! Boogity-boogity-boo!

Anonymous said...

dude this blog is awesome i have never laughed so hard in my life and soo true i want a fetus smoothie

Brendon Etter said...

Thank you, Anonymous. Enjoy the rest of the blog!

doofy said...

i did and i am hoping you keep your blog just as awesome as this one

Anonymous said...

This blog post KICKED ASS way back in 2007, and it still does not! But it's epic awesomeness exceeds its own content. The fact that it got so many pro-life fags crying makes it that much greater!

("WAH! Abortion is murder!" Really? How so? When is the demarcation between a pre-human and human life? I mean if abortion is murder, does masturbation constitute genocide?

"WAH! What if you were aborted?" Well, if I were aborted, I obviously would never get to exist to begin with, so I would not be missing anything really. But then I would be denied the pleasure of you sanctimonious, self-righteous, holier-than-thou "right to lifers" lecturing me on your obviously superior morality.)

Great work, sir! Made my day...