August 12, 2007

In Retrospect, I Never Should Have Asked These Questions of the Leading Candidates for Nookie Rookie of the Year at This Year's Porn Convention

Again, I had the opportunity to interview an amazingly talented group of individuals, much like I did here, and I flubbed it big time.

How bad did I mess up my line of questioning for this year's leading candidates for "Nookie Rookie" at the porn convention?

Here are some examples of the ignominy involved.

How should the petrochemical industry respond to the challenge of global warming both within their business development practices and their relations with the public as corporate citizens?
Reason why this is a bad question: Asking way too much at one time. Either make question less specific and allow for Nookie Rookie candidates to answer about whatever aspect of petrochemical company corporate responsibility they are most comfortable, or rephrase it along the lines of "Don't oil derricks look like they're fucking the ground?"

Is your pussy wet right now?
Reason why this is a bad question: NPR already asked it.

Is American space exploration still worth the investment?
Reason why this is a bad question: Not open-ended like, say, "Would you please describe what you think it would be like to fuck in zero gravity?"

In Dangerous Gang Bangs 12, you are seen having sex with seven men simultaneously. How did that really feel?
Reason why this is a bad question: It was Dangerous Gang Bangs 11, not 12. Shit. Everyone knows that.

To what extent, if any, is the entertainment industry obligated to portray the human body, particularly female, in a more realistic light to counter the spiraling rates of teenage depression, suicide and eating disorders which appear to be linked to body dysmorhpia?
Reason why this is a bad question: Way too heavy. I should have dialed it back a little with a simpler query like "Can I feel your tits?"

What can you tell me about your dreams?
Reason why this is a bad question: Too open-ended; responses were extremely long and meandering. I don't know what it is about porn stars; seems like all they ever want to do is talk.

Pull my finger.
Reason why this is a bad question: Again, this is not a question; it's a command, and, much like it did when I demanded it of the Nobel Peace Prize candidates, my lack of hands made for a few awkward moments. One of the sex starlets, however, offered to "sit on my arm" for a while. I declined. Though I may not interview people well, I still have healthy journalistic ethics.


Jim H. said...

Mr. Brendon:

I highly recommend a book of essays by David Foster Wallace called "Consider the Lobster." One of the essays is about the annual convention of the "adult" film industry, which Mr. Wallace covers (or uncovers) with remarkable restraint. It's hilarious and grotesque. I think you'd like it.

Brendon Etter said...

David Foster Wallace is an amazingly talented writer. He has a voice almost as distinctive as Fitzgerald or Faulkner.

Hard to cover the adult film industry with restraint. I wish I could... you know... cover the same beat... so to speak.