August 19, 2007

Amazing New Features of the Most Advanced All-In-One Printer on the Market

Scan, fax, copy, print: Is there anything these new all-in-one printers can't do? Apparently not. Witness this.

1. Will print your airline ticket and taxi for take-off to your destination in vibrant color, brilliant resolution and under ten minutes.

2. RealFeal oral, vaginal, anal and penile attachments mean your printer can now do everything, and you can return the favor.

3. Scanner also reheats leftovers.

4. Prints in nearly any ink, including blood, meaning serial killers can now use so many more fonts in their ominous letters to the authorities. Provided they don't use comic sans. No self-respecting serial killer would be caught dead, or making someone else dead, using comic sans.

5. Optional beer keg attachment.

6. Capable of scanning lead, reprinting it as gold.

7. Is exceedingly friendly, and is perfectly willing to let you talk to it for hours at a time. Never butts in with its own commentary. It makes you feel so special, like finally, your hardware cares about you.

8. Gets an incredible 92 miles per gallon in the city!

9. Cleans up your formatting, cleans up your dinner dishes.

10. Will hold down your feet when you're doing sit-ups.

11. Special "Ass-Sensor" prevents inappropriate copying of naked body parts unless extremely sexy.


Jim H. said...

12. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

13. Turns juicy plot devices or dialog into nutritious shakes.

14. Plagiarism detector (optional)

Jim H. said...

15. Randomly inserts verbs to give your prose more punch.

16. Massages.

Unknown said...

17. Drivers will crash your computer three times demonstrating its superiority over your computer.

Brendon Etter said...

Mmmm.... massages....

Henry, I wonder why the computer itself isn't a printer, just a truly all-in-one device...