August 21, 2007

Just a Few of the Many Reasons They Kicked Me out of A.A.

1. They didn't like my "Absolut Alcoholic" promotional advertising plan.

2. Shouted "Liar!" one too many times during other's life stories.

3. Constantly tried to out-bottom other alcoholics' low points. If they got fired, left their wife, robbed a liquor store and lost a kidney to a stranger in a bar fight, I would say that I did all those things twice, or I tell them I worked for Bush, part II.

4. Sponsored only cute 18-21 year old female alcoholics, and only until they "paid off."

5. Posted too many funny videos of meetings on YouTube.

6. They never believed me when I kept stumbling out of all those bars claiming to have been on a nine hour "membership recruitment drive."

7. Turns out I was actually a milkaholic.

8. Produced an art installation where I submerged the Big Book in urine, and the urine was found to have trace amounts of alcohol in it. They never believed me when I told them the urine wasn't mine. It wasn't; I found the urine in this pub I frequented.

9. Only was able to commit to the .12-Step Program.

10. Missed too many meetings because of massive hangovers.

11. Kept asking members for free maps for upcoming vacations as part of my yearly membership in the A.A.

12. Admitted I was powerless over alcohol, but that I just needed a few more nuclear devices to regain that power.


Unknown said...

13. Cried out "It's Miller Time" when each meeting ended.

14. Didn't care for your sponsor: Jack Daniels.

Brendon Etter said...

Ohhh... can't believe I missed that angle on sponsor!

Nice one, Henry!

By the way, is that new photo a production shot for your latest movie... you know, the one in which you portray the stereotypical intense serial killer?

Unknown said...

I live in the state of stereotypical intense serial killers. We all look like that here.