August 21, 2007

Everything I Don't Like About You: The Exhaustive List

1. Just slightly too much hair.

2. You dream about alligators and popcorn balls. I find that nonplussing.

3. One time, you admitted to me that you like licking metal things. That's wrong.

4. Your neck is too fragile; meaning I have to sit on my hands to prevent me from strangling your almost translucent flesh. I hate sitting on my hands.

5. Your heart beats too loudly. Work on that.

6. Belly button seems to be scientifically verifiable as neither an innie nor an outie, upsets the global balance of abdominal stigmata.

7. You enjoy life and living. I could handle it if you enjoyed just one of the two. Enjoying both just seems like you're flaunting it.

8. I reserve the right to not like any other physical, emotional or metaphysical aspects of you not expressly referred to in the points above including - but not limited to - your physical nature, your personality, your behaviors, your thoughts, your potential behaviors or thoughts, my interpretations of any and all of your behaviors or thoughts, actual or potential, your possessions, your personal history or future possibilities, your soul and your very being.

Other than that, you're a great person.

What're you doing Saturday night?


Jim H. said...

There's that lawyer again, at work in #8. Always the out clause, the caveat, the notwithstanding.

Otherwise, nice blog.

Brendon Etter said...

I've always loved the phrase "The party of the first part..."

Who thought of that?

It's so unclear, so obfuscatory, so unnecessary.

It's Lawnglish.