August 26, 2007

Bottom of the Slippery Slope: Presidential Debate Edition


Blip Maline - Republican candidate for U.S. President
Plink Dupey - Democratic candidate for U.S. President
Grit Blowdry - Moderator

TV studio for a televised U.S. presidential debate.

(lights up)

Grit: Good evening, America. I'm Grit Blowdry, and welcome to the first in a series of five televised presidential debates between Republican Senator Blip Maline and Democratic Senator Plink Dupey. The format is very simple, I will ask questions submitted by American citizens, alternating between each candidate. The candidate not being asked each question will be allowed time for a short rebuttal statement. I will start with Senator Maline.
(picks up card and reads) Senator Maline, what will you do to control runaway federal spending if elected President?

Blip: Hmmm, good question. I believe we should reign in federal spending, and we should not spend money we don't have. That's called deficit spending, and it puts us in debt. We must avoid spending too much money, at all costs.

Grit: Senator Dupey, your response?

Plink: I agree entirely.

(long pause)

Grit: Yes. Ummm... thank you. Senator Dupey, the next question is for you. In what way do you believe America can regain its competitive advantage over countries that pay workers very little and do not impose many regulations on businesses?

Plink: Great question. I believe America must win the day on quality. Producing and delivering goods and services of spectacular design and merit will go a long way toward restoring America's right place among the world's most desirable business climates.

Grit: Senator Maline, your response?

Blip: Well-stated. I concur.

(long pause)

Grit: Okay... well... onto our third question, then. Senator Maline: As the world's only reaining superpower, what is America's role in securing international peace?

Blip: I believe America must act in ways that encourage peace among the nations of the world unless, and I want to make myself very clear on this point, unless it is necessary to use force.


Grit: Right. Senator Dupey?

Plink: I believe America must act in ways that encourage peace among the nations of the world unless, and I want to make myself perfectly clear on this point, unless it is necessary to use force.

Grit: Okay... well... this is, uhhh... this, ummm, well, your question, Senator Dupey: Abortion is a dangerous issue for political candidates to touch, but what are your candid feelings on the subject?

Plink: How correct the questioner is: Abortion is a very dangerous issue for a political candidate to touch. However, I'm glad the question was asked.

(long pause)

Grit: Senator Dupey? Sir?

Plink: That's all.

Grit: Alright. Senator Maline, do you have a response?

Blip: I agree. Abortion is a very tough issue. Thank you for the question.

Grit: (as if speaking to them confidentially) You know... you have two minutes to answer each question and a full minute for rebuttal, remember? There's no need to speed through the questions.

Blip: Right, thank you, Grit.

Plink: I agree, thank you, Grit.

Grit: (frustration mounting) Okay, moving on then. Senator Maline, we have this question: The U.S. trade deficit increases every year; what do you see as a solution to that problem?

Blip: "Deficit" seems like a bad word. I recommend we call it a "positive unsurplus".

Plink: As do I. Positive unsurpluses will eliminate this trade deficit you seem so paranoid about, Grit.

Grit: Wha... it... it was just a citizen's question, Senator Dupey.

Plink: Yes, but what kind of citizen, Mr. Blowdry, what kind of citizen? Hmmm?

Blip: Good comeback, Plink!

Plink: Yes, thank you, Blip. I don't believe we need to answer questions from these so-called citizens of yours, Grit.

Blip: We are far too important for that. I mean, one of us is going to be the frickin' President, you know.

Grit: Gentlemen? I, I... well, I guess I'm not sure how to proceed... the format calls for answering questions that have been selected from thousands submitted by average citizens all over America, and... and, if you are not... well... ummm... Senator? Senator Maline? Sir, what...? Can I ask what... are you... uhhh...

Blip: Yes, Grit, I am twirling my meat behind this lectern.

Plink: I too am now yanking my crank, and proudly so!

Grit: (shock) STOP! Stop it, stop! What are you, you can't go... national TV... this is... can we, can we cut... cut to a comm... no, no commercials, that's right, shit.... aww shit, did I just say "shit"? This can't be happening, no! NO! STOP! Stop, damnit! ... let's, let's... closing statements, closing! NOW! GO! GO! Either one of you... you sick...

Plink: (interrupting, facial expressions and moans indicate he's finishing his business, zips up, becomes very serious) Thank you, Grit. America. You are faced with a stark choice this November. The choice between a leader who understands your needs; who knows what America values. America values a leader who gets things done. America values a leader who sees both the strengths and the unique challenges this great nation faces every day. America values a leader who values an America that America values. Your choice could not be more clear, America. The glaring differences between Senator Maline and myself are too numerous to detail, as you have seen tonight in this debate, but I feel one important detail did not come to light, and I must air it now: (long pause) Senator Maline has sex with small children then kills them.

Blip: What?! That is uncalled for! Completely uncalled for! America will not stand for such half-truths! The rest of the story, that Senator Dupey seems to be so conveniently forgetting, is that he eats the corpses of my young victims!

Plink: True enough, true enough, Senator Maline. Just one more glaring difference between us. As I said before, your choice could not be more clear, America.

(Grit is crying, head on moderator's table, the candidates look presidential as lights fade)


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