August 24, 2007

How to Kill People with Your Bare Hands

1. Hold up your bare hands, show them to your victim, continue to hold up your bare hands until the car you are driving veers directly into the path of the oncoming tractor trailer.

2. Surgically implant plastic explosives into your bare hands. When you shake someone's hand, squeeze hard. Won't they be surprised?

3. Shoot them in the head with a gun until they die. Make sure you are not wearing gloves or mittens.

4. Go swimming with your victim. Say that you have a neat trick to show him or her that involves holding him or her underwater for a few seconds, but that you will let him or her up for air. Here's the catch: Don't.

5. Soak your bare hands in anthrax, ricin or polonium; punch victim in the mouth.

6. Kidnap someone roughly your age, skin color and size, tie them up in your basement. Cut off your bare hands, mail them to the kidnapped person's spouse or loved one with a letter saying that they are actually the hands of the kidnapped person. Their loved one will probably die of fright. (Note: Write threatening letter before you cut off your bare hands.)

7. Poke someone hard in the eye with your bare finger. I mean really, really, really, really hard.

8. With your bare hands, summon an eternal, enchanted flame. Burn victim to death.

9. With one bare hand, point off into the sky and say "Oh my God! What's that!?" When your victim looks, kill them with the other bare hand.


Unknown said...

10. Point to the victim; make Igor do the work.

Brendon Etter said...

Good one, Henry!

11. Get Darth Vader powers, without the gloves. Have fun lifting people off the ground without touching them. Crush their windpipes while you've got them up there.

Brendon Etter said...

12. Just do "jazz hands" all the time as if you're in another cheesy musical. Someone will be so sick of seeing that trite shit, they'll kill themselves.

ShOI said...

You stole #12 from Shari! Actually, she sort of borrowed it from the Zombie Nightmare episode of MST3K. Anyway, you forgot the classic Mola Ram move from Temple of Doom: reach into your victim's chest with your bare hand, extract their still-beating heart, and laugh as it bursts into flame.

Brendon Etter said...


I don't know what you're talking about... do you mean she wrote something like that (#12), or that Shari does jazz hands with evil intent?

I can believe the latter, but I've not read the former.

I've actually never seen Temple of Doom; everyone told me it kind of sucked.

ShOI said...

The latter, although to be fair, she uses jazz hands in self defense much more often than for evil purposes.
Temple of Doom was no Raiders, but it was better than Last Crusade.

Brendon Etter said...


I liked Last Crusade, maybe overly-cute and self-referential, but I liked it.

Christopher Tassava said...

13. Find and kill Smokey or a surly panda. Remove its paws, then sharpen the claws. Place these ursine weapons on your own hands, then violently attack someone, taking care to go for the jugular. Voila: you've killed someone with...

Sorry. It's too awful to even type out. I'm sorry I started.

Brendon Etter said...

You should bee! Shame on ewe! I would never ewes ass obvious an animal pun ass that.

"Surly Panda" would be a great name for a rock band though.