Dear Citizens of Northfield,
It has come to my attention that certain people in this town are not planning to vote for me in November's mayoral election.
As bewildering as such a choice may be, I readily concede that those people have the right to be misguided. However, on the advice of my attorney, chief campaign strategist and personal chef, Britt Ackerman, LLC, LOL, RSVP, I am issuing a demand for a public apology from all such idiots.
This apology must be delivered in person, and also recorded for distribution on YouTube.
Failure to make such an apology will result in Northfield being sued a third time by my campaign. I'm sure we all understand how detrimental that will be to Northfield, the city I love so dear.
I cannot yet disclose the nature of the charges in this prospective third lawsuit, but Britt has informed me that it would be "big, big bad." She's a very good attorney. I'd do as she says.
The apology needn't be long and confusing. Just a simple admission of your pathetic understanding of the mayoral contest and of my obvious superiority as a candidate.
Here's how it could be worded:
You are so very great and handsome. Yet for reasons entirely attributable to my failings as a human, I am not anticipating voting for you this November. I greatly respect your beauty, your love for this community, and your generous ability to accept my humble plea, and I can only hope that I will see the error of my ways and do what is right by voting for you."
I hope that helps as you consider the particular form your apology will take.
Also, please remember to look at the floor and back out of the room after you've apologized. I'd hate to have to cause a scene or issue a fourth lawsuit.
Exceedingly Good-Looking Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield
You need a campaign song.
You clearly have the verve, creativity, talent, and looks to write and perform your own campaign song, but as a way to trick potential voters into thinking you care about their ideas, you could accept nominations for a campaign song.
::bowing while exiting backward::
Ever your humble subject,
You're on, Jim!
Thanks for the bowing and exiting backwards. It takes so much energy to have to harangue people.
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