While I have certainly and unambiguously filed a third lawsuit against the City of Northfield for the failure of a select few to apologize for potentially not voting for me, I am today announcing a willingness to generously extract that lawsuit if I can get sincere apologies from those holdouts.
I offer this opportunity to all of you so that you might all see the benefit in persuading our most stubborn and ill-informed compatriots to apologize. I'm sure you would hate to have to go through yet another lawsuit, but, absent these apologies, I am left no other option.
Sue I must.
I am, however, a forgiving man, and I want to forgive all of you, but I need apologies on which to base my forgiveness.
As a forgiving man, I am a man who forgives. In my forgiving forgiveness, I am a steadfast man of forgivitude. In this forgiving spirit, I have provided the following Likert scale Application for Consideration of Forgiveness.
If I receive all the completed applications by 5 p.m. this Friday, I will officially withdraw my third lawsuit against Northfield.
(The first two lawsuits remain active. Certainly, I must be protected.)
Here is the application.
(Print it out and mail it to me, fill it out and send the answers via e-mail, or list your answers in the comments section. All are acceptable.)
1. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 = sorry and 10 = extremely sorry, complete this sentence: "Brendon, I was not going to write-in your name for Northfield mayor; for this irresponsible and wicked act, I am very, very __________."
2. On a scale of 1 to 2, with 1 = not thinking and 2 = too dumb for words, complete this sentence:
"I'm not sure why I planned not to write-in your name for Northfield mayor; I was clearly _________."
3. On a scale of 1 to 37, with 1 = I am sincere and 37 = I am hugely-super-hyper-spastic sincere, complete the following sentence: " _________________."
4. On a scale of 2 to 2.22: How much do you agree with what you answered in question 3? _____
5. On a scale of 11 to X: Do you mean it? _____
6. On a scale of of 1 to pi: You're not just saying that, are you? ______
7. On a scale of seriously to seriously: Seriously? _______
8. On a scale of 100 to infinity, complete the following statement: "To underline my commitment, Brendon, I am enclosing a check / money order / cash / credit card donation of $________ to you and your campaign.
Thank you for completing this form. Your apology, if judged to be sufficiently apologetic and sincere, will be taken into consideration. Until such time as you hear from us, consider yourself in a state of pre-forgiveness.
That must feel much better for you.
3. #23: I was sincerely sorry, then I remembered it was you.
6. Sometimes. I have a friend whose name starts with Å.
8. 13 lire
Try again, young voter.
We all fail sometimes, even miserably like you did here.
What about your long-time loyal supporters? Don't we get to apologize, too? Even though I plan to write your name in for the mayor's race (and, what the hell, for judge and senator, too), I would like the opportunity to be obsequious and slavish.
But, you know, forms are kind of a turn-off. They are so...I don't know...pro forma. How about just a simple, heartfelt, sincere, authentic, grovelly apology?
Frinstance: "I'm sorry for not wanting to vote for you even more!"
Simpering and pleading are always welcome in my campaign.
I'm sure we can figure out a way for you to vote for me even more.
It only takes dedication.
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