Leading write-in candidate for mayor, Brendon Etter, announced to an impressed crowd of onlookers and sycophants today that his lead attorney and campaign strategist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, ABC, 123, has filed a second law suit against the City of Northfield.
Etter explained, "This is purely a back-up lawsuit, standard operating procedure in cases like this. Britt and I felt we needed the extra leverage and wiggle room that this secondary, precautionary lawsuit would afford us."
Etter's attorney, the tremendously talented and devoted Ackerman, noted that "this lawsuit, just like the first runner-up for Miss America, would step in to sue the City should the first lawsuit fail or be unable to perform its duties."
"We certainly don't anticipate losing the first lawsuit, nor does this indicate a shift in focus," said Ackerman, "we definitely are concentrating on collecting possible wrongs that Northfield may have visited upon our candidate, and we continue to push those unspecified charges through an unspecified military tribunal meeting in an undisclosed location for an unknown time frame."
"That's our duty as Americans," added Etter, "but what if we lose? We need to be ready with more charges to levy at a moment's notice. We should not wait until after that trial finishes. Northfield demands decisive action out of their next mayor, and that's exactly what I will give them."
Ackerman claimed that their efforts have the support of many prominent local citizens.
"So many people have told Brendon that they like him; that they support him. They are so sad that Northfield has treated him this way."
Etter opined, "With such unqualified support from my friends, I think it's pretty clear I was justified in launching both lawsuits. I mean, friends are always honest. They would never lead me astray."
Lawsuits are fun. You get to make lawyers and judges and clerks and other functionaries run around with stacks of paper and huff and puff and look frazzled and important.
Just like liquor stores, the more lawsuits the better. Keep 'em drunk and keeep 'em guessing!
Nice work, as usual.
Thank you, Jim.
Now I just have to keep them all pregnant. That's going to be difficult with the men, I know.
Drunk, pregnant and guessing.
I think that was the title of one of my autobiographies of other people.
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