I get them all the time. Questions.
Annoying, pathetic, crucial questions I'm told I should answer to appear palatable to Joe and Jenny Voter out there.
So here are some of the questions I get, and the answers I'd like to think I would give if I decided to answer, which is unlikely - I'm too busy running for mayor. I don't have time to answer questions from people who I can't be sure are going to vote for me.
Why are you so handsome?
Good question. I'm guessing it has something to do with my outward appearance, chiseled physique, inner charm and self-sacrificing humility. I look so good, others look good by simply standing in my reflected beauty. This is something I do for the general public, sometimes for free.
How handsome are you?
Well, that's a tough one. Think George Clooney or Brad Pitt or elf-boy from Lord of the Rings, except good-looking and taller.
You have no real experience in public governance, don't you think people should be concerned about that when comparing you to some of the other candidates?
Let me take this question, if I may, by telling you a story about my grandfather. My grandfather was a hard-working, self-reliant and patriotic man. One day, while he was fixing a new piece of equipment at his farm, a piece of equipment he had not used very much, a piece of equipment with which he had "no real experience," a neighboring farmer who had worked on such equipment quite often over the years offered my grandfather help, claiming he knew what he was doing, and my grandfather could learn from watching him. My grandfather stood up and told his neighbor, "Fuck you," and then shot him in the face with a very large gun. He was quite a character, my grandfather. Next question?
What's your position on drugs in Northfield?
They're... bad? Hold on, let me check... yes, bad. That's my answer.
What do you bring to the job that the other candidates don't have?
Other than my astounding good looks and dizzying intelligence?
Yes, other than those things.
In a word, respect. Respect for all the citizens of Northfield, even the stupid and ugly ones.
What is your plan for Northfield?
Thank you for such a great question.
Do you think that the Mayor and City Council can effectively cooperate to lead Northfield?
Certainly! I'm very optimistic about that. In fact, I believe, if we apply ourselves, we could lead the entire state, eventually the entire Midwest, and once we get that far, and amass enough troops, most of the country should be easy to lead. We will cooperate very, very effectively.
Aren't you just being cynical and dismissive with your campaign when compared to the people who are volunteering to do the hard work of leading this city out of its recent tumult?
"Pfff...whatever." That is the most perfect answer! It could even become a slogan. It could replace "yah, you betcha" in the next Coen brothers movie. I think, Mr. Mayor-elect, that you are on to something.
I think you're right, Mr. H.
By the way, I spoke to your much better half this past weekend. She had only vaguely heard "something" about my candidacy!
I was shocked! Shocked!
I cannot be entrusted with my own advertising. I'm relying on word of mouth, at the very least, husbands must tell their wives who to vote for.
I mean, that's a husband's job. We can't rely on wives to make these vital decisions by themselves!
That's always worked very well for you...
Back to the voting booth with ye, woman!
You still have my (write-in) vote. But do I write in your name, or Bleeet?
"Brendon Etter" would be better, "Bleet"'d be deleted.
Now, get back to work on my campaign, and cleaning up the aqua-poop.
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