Citing "intransigent idiocy" on the part of Northfield voters, Brendon Etter, through his attorney, aide-de-camp and ping-pong strategist, Britt Ackerman, LLC, S&M, PYT, issued a third lawsuit against the city on behalf of his write-in mayoral campaign.
"Do they know how much harm they are causing themselves," a visibly dumbfounded Etter queried rhetorically while hovering seventeen feet above his campaign headquarters.
"I gave them more than five days to apologize for possibly not voting for me! I even gave them a suggested template to submit, and yet, as of the deadline, I had received apologies from under eighty percent of potentially offending voters," puzzled Etter, "and most of the YouTube apology videos lacked style. Some were barely audible."
"I can't accept that."
Etter praised the resilience of voters who have tolerated the "befuddling obstinacy" of the remaining non-apologizers. "I was very close to not suing all those who had apologized, but Britt mentioned that, if they really felt sorry, they could have made the others apologize as well."
"I will not tolerate this lack of drive on the part of our citizens. To do so would be to sell Northfield short. I will never sell Northfield short. I will keep suing and suing and suing the great citizens of this wonderful town until they reach their fullest potential!"
Ackerman believes that this third lawsuit could easily be settled out of court with limited expenses to be passed on to the taxpayers, "Other than the heavy compensatory damages we're seeking, of course."
"The greater the compensation we push for, the better we motivate citizens toward self-actualization," asserted Ackerman.
Ackerman added that she felt "so proud of my candidate - a humble man of humble needs and quiet, beautiful lawsuits."
"When most people sue the city, it's just brusque and perfunctory. When Brendon sues Northfield, it's because he cares. He cares about all of us. It's from his heart." stressed Ackerman, brushing aside a single tear that clung to her check and caught the light just so.