June 28, 2008

Radical Ideas for Improving Gas Mileage

Following up on some very sensible suggestions for improving gas mileage, I offer a few more ideas.

1. Tow your car behind your bike. (Make sure the tow bar is solid. Do not use a chain to tow your car, unless you want to run yourself over... on your own bike... with your own car. Actually, I bet that's never happened before; so, you know, be an original and give it a try.)

2. Spend a half-hour meditating and visualizing better gas mileage before every trip.

3. Ship your car and yourself wherever you want to go.

4. Install sails on car roof. Mount an enormous fan on a trailer behind your car. Turn it on. (Do not set fan to 'oscillate'.)

5. Distill gasoline to make it even more condensed and potent.

6. Hire a team of Sherpa guides to carry your car for you.

7. Only travel with the wind. If the wind is coming head on, travel in reverse.

8. Believe in better gas mileage.

9. Pull back on your car until the spring gets really tight, then hold on.

10. Lessen car's weight by removing all parts except engine and wheels.

11. Pretend your car isn't running, get towed anywhere.

12. There's no friction in the vacuum of space. Hook car underneath the Space Shuttle. Time your deployment just right.


Unknown said...

13. Cut hole in deck boards, use your feet to accelerate and brake like Fred Flintstone.

14. Don't live in bumble fuck middle of nowhere.

15. Put the neighborhood ruffians to good use: harness them up to your car and whip them.

16. Only drive down hill.

Jim H. said...

17. Don't go anywhere.