February 27, 2008

Brendon's Commonsense Suggestions for Improving Your Vehicle's Gas Mileage

With gas costing upwards of several hundred pennies per gallon, what can you, the average driver, do to reduce that expense? Driving less simply is not an option, probably because you are fat or lazy or fatlazy, or maybe it's just because you are stupid. We needn't delve into semantics about why you drive so much; we need to, instead, look at what can be done to place the blame firmly on your vehicle. After all, people don't drive people; cars drive people.

Caught in this impossible vehicular pickular, we need to look at commonsense ways to improve your vehicle's gas mileage.

I offer some bold suggestions:

1. Make sure your destination is always downhill from your starting point. Put the car in neutral and roll.

2. Stop-and-go traffic is terrible for gas mileage. Choose either 'stop' or 'go' but not both.

3. Easily convert your old petrol piggy into an electric/gas hybrid by putting some AA batteries in the gas tank.

4. Gain extra power without using the gas pedal by forcefully and steadily blowing on the inside of your windshield while driving.

5. Avoid mileage-wasting traffic jams by driving on the shoulder or sidewalk.

6. Install a small wind turbine on your car's roof. Once you hit highway speed, the energy from the rotating blades will power your engine.

7. Mileage varies inversely with vehicle and cargo weight; so only drive underwater, in the vacuum of space, or while hovering above your car.

8. If you have a gas/electric hybrid, invest in a very, very, very long extension cord.

9. Convert all roads to moving walkways. Park car and let the road do the work.

10. Find space-time wormhole. Drive through it. Cross your fingers and hope the exit is somewhere near your destination.

11. Quickly accelerate to 250 miles per hour, then coast.

12. Think of your car as more of a large backpack, briefcase or purse for your stuff. Push it wherever you need to go.

13. Switch to the tried and true Flintstone braking system.

14. Harness solar power by putting a small chunk of the sun on top of your engine.

15. Don't be so hard on yourself; change your definition of "mile" to mean "about 4 or 5 inches".

Sit in car. Pretend you're driving.


Anonymous said...

Wrap several hundred yards of copper wire around your head, leaving about 5 feet of either end loose. Install an electric motor between your car's transmission and drive shaft. Hook the loose ends of the wire to the motor. Read episodes of "A Play A Day". Your brain will create enough current in the wire to move your car several miles down the road. I have tried this and it works.

Brendon Etter said...

I hope that good "current" coming from your brain, Anonymous.

Thanks for the nice thoughts.

Christopher Tassava said...

18. Install a bicycle drivetrain so that you can pedal at low speeds.

19. Put "Cash, grass, or ass" bumpersticker on car to highlight three important means by which passengers can defray the costs of operating the motor vehicle.

20. Whenever you can, accelerate before hitting objects in the roads (speed bumps, potholes, squirrels, deer, bicyclists): the additional momentum you gain will be translated into flight, and we all know flying is easier than rolling.

21. To the extent possible, try to coordinate trips. For instance, walk downtown to run errands, then order a pizza for delivery from Domino's and ride back home with the driver.

22. Streamline your vehicle for better aerodynamics. Remove the Confederate battle flag from your radio antenna, install a spoiler and air dams, chop the hands off anyone who sticks a limb out of an open window.

Brendon Etter said...

It must be noted that among Christopher's well-meant contributions, numbers nineteen and twenty-one, while perhaps reducing your capital outlay for fuel, will do nothing to actually improve your vehicle's gas mileage - or petrol kilometerage, should you live in notAmericaland.

I dearly wish Christopher would not mislead my readers so eagerly.

His other ideas are perfectly sensible, however, and should be followed with haste. He shows moderate promise in his creative faculties.