In a stunning development today, stunning and leading write-in candidate for Northfield Mayor, Brendon Etter, stunned the entire city by issuing a public apology.
"I only wish this all-inclusive, retroactive and proactive public apology had been attended by more members of the public." stated Etter. "As it turned out, it was just me and my attorney, Britt Ackerman, LLC, VIP, LRT hanging out on Bridge Square at 3 a.m."
Ackerman was quick to add, "The fact that no members of the public showed up does not make my candidate's far-reaching apology any less public. Too bad, because he gave a beautiful speech, especially considering how hammered he was at the time."
Etter's apology, which he insists cannot be recreated or published here due to the fact that he and Ackerman ceremoniously cleansed the campaign by burning the only copy, reportedly contained a full list of wrongs he thinks the public might have picked up on. "Besides, it was all about the moment. You know? I don't want to try to redo perfection. That never really works."
"Incidentally, I even apologized for not getting a burning permit before we torched the apology."
Ackerman noted that the apology was unique in that it effectively absolves Etter for not only past mistakes but also "future misdeeds, misstatements or fuck-ups, in perpetuity."
"The apologizing-for-future-crimes thing was my idea, sort of like a lifetime of papal indulgences in one easy public decree. I'm pretty proud of myself for that bit." said Ackerman. "Man, too bad no one else was there. Brendon was totally contrite about everything. It was quite moving."
Etter summed up, "Now that I've apologized for everything, I think we can move forward in this campaign. Why would anyone be so small-minded as to harp on and on about something for which I've already made a public apology? Let's not dwell on the past. Or the future, for that matter."
It's like the perfect crime. And who can argue -- as Mr. Etter has already pointed out -- with perfection.
I am, however, disappointed in my fellow Northfieldians. 3:00AM on a Sunday morning and nobody's hanging out on Bridge Square? Etter's forced to play to an empty house? Shame! This Sunday, there should be at least a half-dozen hammered citizens downtown at 3:00AM. Rumor has it that Etter will deliver a meaty foreign policy address.
If it is indeed the perfect crime, I must remind you that I had already apologized for it, even as it was being committed.
Shit, I talked to Michael and he heard some bum at 3 am yelling "Fahkit, ah donnnneeed to apahlagize atall....". He also heard sounds of vomit and screams of coeds.
Not me. Bushy musta been stompin' 'round.
Besides, I was mostly unconscious.
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