November 19, 2008

If The Meek Shall Inherit The Earth, What About The Rest Of Us?

In the fine print of Jesus's Sermon on the Mount, the following stipulations were found that clarify who gets what in the world. This is seen by historians and actual people as important for some unknown reason, most likely because it's coming from Jesus or his team of strategists or his lawyers - presumably his contract law subcommittee.

Anyway, I reprint it here to help you understand what you stand to gain. When you stand to gain it, however, remains, at present, an unresolved issue between you and Jesus's attorneys.

1. The Audacious get Uranus.
2. The Sleepless get Waffles.
3. The Fervent get High Humidity.
4. The Fallow get Hungry.
5. The Procrastinators get some Detroit suburbs.
6. The Lonely get Annoying Poetry.
7. The Trenchant get Irony.
8. The Portly get Clown Make Up.
9. The Stupid get Nothing.
10. The Ridiculous get Lots Of Socks.
11. The Button-Nosed get Unguents.
12. The Isolated get The Power To Bend Syrup.
13. The Undead get A Li'l Bit Funky.


Unknown said...

The Late get Coffee Grounds
The Anorexic get Cosmopolitan
The Nerdy get Bikini Princess Leah full size cutouts.
The Inhibited get Lotion
The Egregious get Presidencies
The Unbelievers get Peace

Brendon Etter said...


Sorry, but the Unbelievers actually get Free Expanded Basic Cable Which Occasionally Lets Viewers See A Porno For No Known Reason.

ShOI said...

Same thing.

Marie said...

The Marie get COOKIES

Brendon Etter said...


I don't recall that point, but I'll talk to Sid, Jesus's favorite lawyer.

Circe said...

The Emo get ennui
The Messy get napkins and a Famous Dave's gift certificate.
The Number Crunchers get cereal.
The Wal-mart greeters get the carts.
The Slow get run over.
The Inarticulate get Moose Juice not Goose Juice.
Marie gets cookies.

Unknown said...

The Blog Readers shall inherit another post.

Jim H. said...


Henry is right. If you care to, you can see a poem by Richard Brautigan that is sort of related to the theme of this post. The poem is posted at (PLUG!) the Trout Fishing in Minnesota blog.

You might like it (but I don't care whether you like it or not).

The Marie get cookies!

Brendon Etter said...

Dick Brautigan? Who's that?