December 7, 2008

Some Excuses I Am Allowing You To Use For Free The Next Time You Are Stopped By The Cops

You may use any of the following excuses during your next traffic stop without having to pay me any royalties. I offer these as a free public service.

1. "You don't understand, officer, the ghost of President Gerald Ford was standing in the middle of the road. He was holding a balloon and wearing a grass skirt, but he did not look happy."

2. "Do you mean to tell me I violated a law that was written almost five years ago? Surely, it's past its freshness date and is, therefore, invalid."

3. "I was under the impression that the road was more of a suggestion - one of many possible routes to use when driving past the elementary school."

4. "Certainly, I never would have driven like that had I known you might take offense."

5. "It seems that you have singled me out among so many drivers with the obvious intention of not telling me I've won a sweepstakes of some kind, and I'm just supposed to believe you are not being prejudiced against me?"

6. "Nice tits, sir."

7. "None of my surviving passengers seem to be complaining, officer."

8. "I do want to 'step out the car', as you say, sir, but I'm afraid that the instantaneous, magnetic attraction between the two of us will make stopping at just that one step toward you nearly impossible."

9. "Yes, Scientology will work wonders for you too. Would you like a brochure?"

10. "Do you have any idea how fast you were following me?"

11. "I'm extremely wealthy."

12. "Seriously, there are so very, very many laws. I find it hard to follow them all. Don't you?"

13. "I will agree that I appear to have committed an infraction, and I will even agree to being ticketed, but only if you'll help me get rid of this awful "decomposing-corpse-in-my-trunk" smell that's been stinking up my car ever since I picked up that hitchhiker outside my brothel - meth lab - weapons repository compound a few weeks ago."

14. "Thank God you stopped me, officer, now I have time to change my diaper."

15. "Is it a ticket you want to give me, or is it a hug?"

16. "Flying hippo! Duck!"


Circe said...

16. "I dropped my panties on the floor."

Brendon Etter said...

Sorry, Circe, I added another one that came to me in a dream. A hippo-laden dream. So your panties are #17. Anyone else adding should start at number 18.

Incidentally, "You Panties Are #17" is the working title for Radiohead's new album.

Jim H. said...

18. Fuck this shit.

Unknown said...

19. "Speed is relative, officer, so I was driving 0 mph relative to you."

20. "Would you hurry, I'm late for my date at traffic court."

21. "naDevvo' yIghoS!"

Brendon Etter said...

Must we be that geeky, Henry?

Unknown said...

Yeah. Cops are usually jocks who want their authority back. Didn't you see Harold and Kumar?

Speak Klingon to them and they'll get confused. Then they'll walk off. Ticket avoided.

Brendon Etter said...

Haven't seen "Harold and Kumar". But I've known that about cops since 6th grade.

K and/or K said...

I like #6 immediately followed by #9. Clevah excuses and fun blog, gald I stumbled on in to your world.

Brendon Etter said...

Thanks, K... or is it K? Never sure.