Frequently, in this campaign, people bother me with questions about the things which trouble their little minds.
I take these concerns seriously. It's hard not to, people really look up to my extreme beauty and intelligence.
Being exceptional can drag most people down, but not me. When I feel burdened by my amazingness, I simply look at the person asking me the important question and remember that I'm much better than him or her.
I feel, as their inherent superior, it is my duty to tell people the right answers to their questions.
One question I hear over and over concerns my thoughts about murder. Am I for it or against it?
I have to wonder where my opponents are on this question? Have they not had plenty of time to formulate and present their views on murder to the public? Have they been too busy to address the topic?
Do they simply not care?
Sad as it may seem, not a single one of my opponents in November's mayoral race has come forth on "the murder issue."
I will again put myself out there and take what lumps may come my way. I must take a brave, stalwart and handsome stance against murder.
That's right. Once again, I, Brendon Etter, have taken a very public position on a controversial topic that other candidates won't touch.
I will state it again, so there can be no doubt as to my sincerity and bravery: I believe murder is wrong.
What's more, I believe murder is wrong more than half the time!
I know in condemning roughly 55% of all murders that I risk alienating some murderers and murder supporters as well as everyone who is the pocket of Big Murder, but I refuse to play politics with something this serious.
Those who prevaricate because of my strong stance against a majority of murders can just take their votes and run to the camp of one of my apparently pro-murder opponents. I say to those people: "Run away if you must. Yours is a vote I do not need! Unless you're willing to vote for me."
I realize this article may have shocked some who were heretofore advocates of my campaign. They should remember one important fact about my uncompromising integrity on the issues - I'm still very much for most cute kittens.
Thank you for your time.
Run along now.
That's a good little voter.