July 22, 2008

Sex Scandal Rocks Brendon Etter's Mayoral Campaign, Internet Servers

A sex scandal severely rocked Brendon Etter's Write-In Mayoral campaign and website servers today, waking the candidate from his second mid-morning nap a full hour ahead of time and sending his web administration team into a light panic.

Etter's Minister of Defensiveness, Britt Ackerman, LLC, MP3, delivered a stirring admission to the public and an assembled reporter outside the candidate's Northfield Fortress of Solitude: "We had hired a new campaign adviser / aspiring actress to revive some flagging aspects of Brendon's candidacy. She came to us highly recommended by several southern California film producers, plus her name made her seem like a perfect fit for this campaign. How were we supposed to know that she would deceive us so?"

The campaign adviser, 23-year old supermodel May Oral, apparently had other plans and unknown abilities for exploiting Etter's innocence, according to Ackerman.

"Ms. Oral, who lured Brendon into a one-on-one strategy session in her shower, unpredictably lived up to her name. It is extremely unfortunate that, unbeknownst to our extremely-innocent candidate, both cameramen, the boom mic operator and the lighting technicians in Ms. Oral's bathroom were filming during the encounter."

In an effort to prove his innocence in the matter, Etter's campaign quickly released the half-hour video on their campaign website where they charged $4.95 per visit to "defer web-hosting and potential legal expenses."

Ackerman noted that the video "completely exonerated our candidate in this matter. In some of the close-up shots you could clearly see the evil in her eyes. She genuinely seemed to be enjoying the damage she was inflicting upon this campaign."

In an unfortunate turn of events, the campaign website received so many hits that Etter's campaign servers crashed.

"They actually melted from all that traffic. We lost the video file. This created a sticky legal situation and a lot of customer service complaints."

Ackerman acknowledged that the campaign was able to earn enough money from the video to buy new servers. "With the original film lost, the harsh reality means the only way we can prove our candidate's innocence to more customer-voters is to re-shoot the footage. We're not taking any chances this time. We're using our candidate and Ms. Oral and even using the same crew that happened to be there during the first encounter."

"We've got some new producers lined up and the soundtrack is being done by that one guy who did the Star Wars music. Plus, we'll have to charge $6.95 now. Other than that, everything will be identical to the first film."

To help achieve verisimilitude, shooting is expected to take four or five days.

"It must be understood, as unfortunate a situation as we find ourselves in, that our candidate had already proactively apologized for any future misdeeds a couple days ago. So, on the rare possibility that anyone might think Brendon, and not this strumpet, is somehow culpable for his behavior, the apology had been made ahead of time."


Unknown said...

Don't forget to spray the shower when it is all over. Body fluids tend to streak if you don't.

Brendon Etter said...

Will do. Thanks for the pointer. My people are on it.

Jim H. said...

Hee hee! You said "verisimilitude."