Due to escalating gas prices, dwindling public coffers and falling voter turnout rates, leading write-in candidate for mayor of Northfield, the improbably good looking, Brendon Etter, today released details of his highly-anticipated "SuperVoter" Really Accessible Public Election plan.
"I'm concerned about eliminating barriers for as many people as possible. It stuns me that my opponents have yet to speak out for the enfranchisement of all possible voters. Everyone must be allowed to vote, and they should be allowed to vote in whatever way is easiest and most accessible for them," stated the candidate.
"My SuperVoter RAPE plan not only tears down walls to wider voter participation, like limited polling station hours, transportation costs for voters to get to the polls, arbitrary age, geography, or criminality checks, but it also will cost the City of Northfield very, very little," said Etter in the noon press conference.
Etter, with the assistance of chief legal counsel and confidante, Britt Ackerman, LLC, PCP, established the SuperVoter RAPE program to undo the restrictive, "almost fascistic legalese" which hinders voting in this country.
According to Ackerman, voters will now be able to e-mail or call Etter to tell him that they are voting for him (or for one of the other candidates). On a message pad by his kitchen phone, Etter will record the number of votes each candidate receives, and on election day, he or his duly-appointed representative will phone the City Clerk to certify the number of votes each candidate received in the race.
"The beauty of the SuperVoter RAPE program is the ease of use and the low cost," said Ackerman, "In fact, the City won't even have to operate polls on election day, ridding it of the costly paper, voting booth, set-up, take-down, vote verification and volunteer expenses."
"I'm willing to sacrifice, and do this for free," added Etter, "I don't hear any of my so-called 'freedom-loving' opponents calling for any of these sensible reforms."
Ackerman pointed out that they would even consider taking votes that they find on paper stuck under the windshield wipers of hers or Etter's cars.
"Why should we deny grocery shoppers and errand runners the right to vote where and when and how they want," queried Etter's top-level adviser, "We will even accept voice votes of people walking the street and expressing their support. Brendon's going to have his message pad with him at all times."
"Except when I don't, then I'll just remember how many people told me they were going to vote for me - or the other candidates - and I'll mark those votes down when I get home," clarified Etter, "You can vote from anywhere, at anytime, in any way you want. That's freedom. That's democracy. That's UltraDemocracy. That's a RAPE!"
Quibbling over details, one commenter on Etter's blog said, "The city doesn't run elections; the county does. Elections are a statutory responsibility of each county auditor."
Etter then made some tasteless remark about "statutory RAPE."
I'm helping relieve the county of the expenses, and making our election processes local and sustainable.
Speaking as someone who follows county business rather closely, I'll just say that the county can relieve itself, thank you very much.
All Hail El Presidante!
I guess you do follow all aspects of the county's business, Jim, even when it does its business.
I'll count that as a vote. Just need to put a tally mark on the message pad.
Doesn't it feel great to have so much freedom?
Wait, wait, wait.... you don't list your number. Therefor you are counting on those that have your number to be the only ones who vote.
Do you think that those people would vote for you?
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