May 3, 2007

Death: Looking Good

Death is often your last chance to make a good impression. Don't mess it up by being unprepared or by letting it passively overtake you. Here are some pointers to keep in mind to assure that your death will continue to speak well of you long after you can no longer speak.

1. If being murdered, make sure you toss out a witty, nonchalant one-liner before you expire. Have this written down and recorded somewhere beforehand; label it appropriately. It will look mysterious but well-planned. (Make sure it isn't "Aww, shucks".)

2. Make sure the bass is pumping.

3. Hire James Earl Jones to read your will... in a castle... in the mountains... at midnight. Charge $100 a head for the general public.

4. Get new vanity plates for your car.

5. Have yourself bronzed, or, at least, sealcoated.

6. Make your obituary a palindrome.

7. Insist on pre-signing your death certificate.

8. Start a new fad in the monument industry by ordering a headstone, footstone and a midstone, located between the other two. The midstone should read "I'm with stupid" or have a picture of underwear etched into it.

9. Put sensors around your grave that, when tripped, play you saying "ouch".

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