March 19, 2007

A Play A Day #339

In Heaven We Trust


Setting: Another place, undefined

(lights up, Jenkins sitting on the stage, looking around)

Jenkins: Where am I?

Voice: Hello, Jenkins.

J: Who are you?

V: Your guide.

J: Where am I?

V: Heaven.

J: Heaven?

V: More or less.

J: Wait... what? I'm... I'm dead!?

V: Shhh-shhh-shhh.... there, there, we don't need to raise voices here.

J: But... I'm dead?

V: I didn't say that.

J: Then why am I in heaven?

V: Ummm... okay... alright, you got me... yes, you're dead.

J: I... I don't understand!

V: Nothing to understand, Jenkins. You were alive; now you're not. Poof! Heaven for you.

J: I mean, how? How did I die?

V: No idea. Not what I like to focus on.

J: I want to focus on it!

V: But, you're here. Why look back? You can't change the past.

J: I want to know! What happened.

V: Alright, alright, but you're going to kick yourself.

J: What!? Tell me!

V: Well, you know how you like to sky dive?

J: Yeah, of course.

V: Yeah... see...

J: My chute didn't open! Damn... I never thought that would ever ...

V: Your chute opened, Jenkins.

J: It did?

V: Yeah. But, the wind was a little unpredictable, a sudden front moving in.

J: O... kay.

V: Well, you made it most of the way down, until you ran into the angry end of the Channel 22 WeatherMax StormTracker Chopper Team.

J: What?! I got... a helicopter...?

V: Fffttt! You caught 22! Like paper doll versus lawnmower.

J: Man! I... I don't remember a thing.

V: That's probably for the better.

J: How come I'm so... I mean, how come I'm not, you know...

V: Ground chuck?

J: Yeah. That.

V: Oh, you've been through make-up and wardrobe. They can do anything in those departments.

J: Make-up and wardrobe?

V: Pure brilliance... they made Nixon look barely surly again! That's how good they are.

J: But... I... I don't really believe in heaven.

V: Hey now! Watch yourself! Boss man might be listening!

J: God?

V: God? No. Paul. Paul Orton, he's the supervisor.

J: Supervisor?

V: Yeah, good guy, but he get's a little testy with people questioning heaven's existence. He's put a ton of time into this place.

J: But, why would I be in heaven, if I don't believe in it.

V: Well, to be perfectly honest, it's because we get paid on a per resident basis.

J: Paid?

V: Sure, the big man pays us on daily intakes and weekly and monthly inventory reconciliations.

J: The big man? Paul?

V: What? No, God. God's the big man; he pays Paul. Paul pays his employees. Like me.

J: Listen, I don't know what's going on here, but I already told you, I don't believe in heaven.

V: Fine! Fine... Relax.

J: Don't you have to let me go or something?

V: Let me level with you, the only things we have to do are stipulated in the yearly contract and that was just renewed last month.

J: What contract?

V: The contract between God and us: HeavenCorp.

J: HeavenCorp.

V: The real heaven's full, has been for centuries. Paul made a business deal with God: provide permanent storage for the souls and their vessels, and God will reimburse on a per resident basis. Hence, HeavenCorp was born.

J: Heaven is a frickin' outsourcing company?

V: Corporation, providing all your afterlife services. (singing as if a tag from a radio jingle) "Hevvv-ennn-corrrr"

J: Jesus Christ!

V: He's not around right now, but he's calling BINGO next Wednesday. Get there early!

J: So, I'm dead, and my soul is here in a repaired body, living out eternity in some corporate-planned afterlife community?

V: You got it. But hey, what other heaven is going to give you free golf on Sundays after 4?

J: I don't want to golf! I want to live!

V: Weird, you're one of the first white guys to say that.

J: Just get me outta here!

V: Where to?

J: How about the real heaven?

V: It's full, and you don't believe in it anyway.

J: Back to Earth then.

V: Actually, you're still on Earth.

J: What?!

V: You didn't think we just float around in the sky, did you? Come on.

J: Where are we?

V: Not important, and you'll never find out.

J: Yes, I will!

V: You'll be so happy and satisfied with all HeavenCorp has to offer today's busy and active dead citizens, that you won't have time to think of escaping.

J: This is horrible; you can't let them do this to me!

V: Hey, now. I can't let them not do it to you. You're going to love it here, Jenkins. So much to do! You do play Bridge, right?

J: No!!

V: Canasta?

J: Help! Someone help!

V: Well, we'll find something...

(lights fade on Jenkins screaming for help)


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