March 2, 2007

A Play A Day #323

Comics Vs. Cancer


Setting: The living room of their apartment.

(Lights up, Ulrich in easy chair, thinking, Iggy lying on sofa, reading a comic book, both are about 23 years old.)

Ulrich: Iggy... Iggy...? Iggy...?

Iggy: Me?

U: Yeah, of coure, you.

I: What?

U: Who else would I be talking to?

I: Don't know.

U: You're it. You're the only person here.

I: Besides you.

U: Well, yeah, of course.

I: So...

U: Anyway...

I: Yeah?

U: I was going to ask you what you would do if you had a billion dollars.

I: Oh.

U: So.

I: Okay.

U: Iggy?

I: What?

U: What would you do if you had a billion dollars?

I: I don't now...

U: Nothing?

I: No, I'd do something.

U: Like what?

I: Something... important.

U: Yeah?

I: Yeah.

U: What?

I: Huh?

U: What would you do... if you had a billion dollars?

I: Didn't you just ask me that?

U: Yeah.

I: Oh.

U: No.... I'm asking you again.

I: Really?

U: You never answered the first time.

I: Yeah, I did. I said something important.

U: Like what though?

I: Ummm... pay someone, somewhere, to cure something.

U: ....Uhhh... wow?

I: Yeah... should be cool.

U: Yeah... I guess.

(long pause)

U: What? What would you cure?

I: Hmmm?

U: What would you cure?

I: With the billion dollars?

U: Yeah, with that.

I: Uhhh... I guess probably cancer, everyone's heard of that one, right?

U: Probably.

I: Yeah, cancer then.

U: Okay. Neat.

I: I think so.

(long pause)

U: Do you... do you want to know why I'm asking you this?

I: About the billion dollars?

U: Yeah, why do you think I'm asking you this?

I: You're doing a survey?

U: No. Guess again.

I: Do I have to, Ulrich?

U: Yeah, yeah, go on.

I: Because you found out that I have a bilion dollars in the bank?

U: Wha... I mean... yeah... yes, that's it.

I: Figured.

U: I found your checkbook in the garage...

I: Great, wondered where that went.

U: You have a positive balance of just over one billion dollars in your checking account!

I: Ahhh... don't look into that too much. I add wrong sometimes.

U: That's what I thought, because over a billion, come on!

I: Yeah, it's actually only around 975 million; I think I double-added a deposit last month.

U: You're joking... you don't even have a job.

I: Bingo.

U: Knock it off.

I: No, I mean, bingo, I know what I'd do if I had a billion dollars.

U: Iggy, you're late with your half of the rent every month.

I: If I had a billion dollars, I...

U: And this is a rent-control, shithole apartment.

I: I'd hang out on the couch all day, reading my favorite comics.

U: I was serious; I really wanted to know what you'd do...

I: I'm telling you, laze around on a crappy couch reading comics... all day, every day.

U: Very funny.

I: Yeah, screw that cancer-curing idea. Comics are way better.

U: Iggy...

I: Thanks for the question, man. It's good to remember the important stuff every now and then.

(lights out)


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