March 9, 2007

A Play A Day #330

Santa Forever


Setting: Living room, Dad lying on couch, reading newspaper.

(enter Sammy, in pyjamas, only five or six years old)

Sammy: Daddy?

Dad: Hmm?

S: What if Santa Claus died?

D: (not paying attention) Hmm?

S: What if Santa Claus died?

D: (still reading) Santa Claus can't die, Sammy.

S: Would Christmas be done?

D: Santa can't die.

S: What if he died?

D: (putting paper down, sighing) Santa can't die, Sammy.

S: What if Santa died though?

D: Santa will never die.

S: Grampa died; he looked like Santa.

D: Trust me, your grandfather was no Santa.

S: Santa looks like he's gonna die.

D: What?

S: He's old.

D: So...

S: He's fat.

D: Yeah, but...

S: He only works one day a year.

D: It's a long, long day.

S: His bad cholesterol must be through the roof.

D: Well, now... What? How did you know about that?

S: I read about it online.

D: Well, I happen to know that Santa's cholesterol is doing just fine!

S: HDL or LDL?

D: Ummm... both.

S: You're not a doctor.

D: No.

S: How'd you know about Santa's cholesterol levels?

D: Well... I...

S: Have you been violating federally-mandated health privacy regulations?

D: Sammy. That's a pretty big thing to accuse your father of.

S: Hey... if you're innocent, you're innocent.

D: Santa's very healthy; that's all.

S: Why's he so fat then?

D: Lots of fat people are perfectly healthy.

S: Not for as long as Santa's been around.

D: Sammy, these questions are...

S: His arteries must look like small intestines.

D: Okay, Sammy, this is all very interesting...

S: Daddy?

D: (annoyed) What?

S: Does Santa have life insurance?

D: How should I know?

S: Well, I'm worried.

D: I'm sure Mrs. Claus would be able to continue on with the business. Lots of elves helping and all that.

S: So... Santa can die!

D: What... no!

S: You lied!

D: Santa can't die; I was just saying that...

S: You said Mrs. Claus would have to carry on with the business. That means Santa's dead!

D: Sammy! I just meant Mrs. Claus could... if something weird happened... but nothing weird can happen to Santa because he's Santa, and Santa does not die, because Santa can't die because Santa is Santa, and it's just not possible for Santa to die!!

(long pause)

S: Your reasoning is sound. (pause) But why does he have life insurance then?

D: He's fiscally responsible!

S: I sure hope Santa has life insurance.

D: Well, it's nice of you to care for Mrs. Claus and the elves like that.

S: Oh, no, it's not about the elves or the old lady; it's about more Christmas loot for years to come. Life insurance would cover that right?

D: I don't know... sure! Yeah, sure. It'd cover that!

S: Like, we wouldn't have to live up to Santa's goodness standards, at all, cause he wouldn't be around to make a list, or to check it twice? Right? Right?

D: Sammy...

S: The life insurance clauses would just pay off for all the boys and girls regardless, in perpetuity?

D: (laying down again, going back to his newspaper) Yeah, yeah... whatever!

S: Great! (starts exiting, turns back) Oh, Dad?

D: What!!?

S: Me and Cindy and Doug found the duct tape, but we don't know where you keep the chloroform.

(lights fade)


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