Henchmen - two, non-speaking
Setting: A bar.
(Earthquake and Flood sitting at bar, facing out)
Earthquake: There isn't enough water in the world to cover the whole planet.
Flood: Sure there is.
E: Not deep enough to kill everyone.
F: It would make the whole planet impassable, poisoning water supplies with human chemicals carried the world over on massive currents, disrupting weather patterns, and...
E: See... you need weather's help!
F: Well, yeah, but I'm the originating event!
E: No, no... one of me, big enough to cause massive shaking on a planetary scale, causing systems failure of many critical functions upon which people depend for their very survival.
F: No, because...
E: Electrical, communicative, natural...
F: A bunch of jiggling isn't going to knock these bastards out.
E: There will be enormous... uhh... fires... and...
F: See, you need fire's help! And mine. Who else is going to level coastal regions with unprecedented tidal waves?
E: Ohh... welll... uhhh...
(Enter Nuclear Bomb)
Nuclear Bomb: Ahh... you two... still wondering who wins the destroy-everything game?
F: (under his/her breath) Go blow yourself.
NB: Well, it ain't gonna be either one of you. Me and my friends, we get dropped in enough spots, boomy-boomy-boomy-boomy-boom! It's all over. Nuclear winter, etc...
E: Yeah, you need weather's help too!
NB: No. No, I do not, because this isn't weather. This is me. This is the world kissing my ash. Blocking out the sun. It's done. I win.
F: But, humans have to launch you. You do not have the ability to operate by yourself.
E: We control our own destiny. You sit unless acted upon. You wouldn't be the great destroyer; people would be.
NB: Ahh... damnit... look who's here.
E: Not this guy again.
V: Hey, my big tough friends. What're you all doing in a scum-pond like this place?
F: Just talking.
V: Yeah? 'Bout what?
V: Who's gonna end it all?
(long pause, E, F and NB exchange furtive glances)
E: (defiantly) Yeah, what about it?
V: And I suppose you're committing the Size Assumption?
F: Listen, you little...
V: Just a reminder... you can't see me... where am I? Right... you have no idea. All I need to do is mutate a few hundred more times... which should only take me a few years, and infect one person, and voila! Bye-bye humanity.
NB: (with bluster, but worried) No way, man... you're dreaming! Humans are smart... they won't let you do that!
V: Ohh... but they'll drop you willingly?
NB: Yeah. with me they divide. You, they'll unite against as a common enemy...
(Enter Human, panicky, but picking nose)
NB: ... and they're very bright... and... and...
V: Nice try.
Human: Hey, you guys hear 'bout there being four terrorists in here?
F: Calm down, man.
Human: Wanting to destroy humanity?!
NB: He's talking about us, guys.
V: What's it to ya, buddy?
Human: Who said that?
E: It's not important.
V: Yes, it is!
H: Well, listen, I got something for you miserable fuckers! (calling over shoulder) Bring it in, boys!
(two burly henchmen with guns, haul in the sun, which has a bag over its head)
F: Holy shit!
V: Is that...
E: The sun!
H: Now, listen here, and listen good... you four cease and desist your schemin' right now, or the sun gets it!
F: You wouldn't!
E: You moron. You'd die instantly.
V: The whole planet would be lifeless.
NB: You wouldn't survive.
H: Neither would you.
E: You would lose!
H: But you wouldn't win!
Sun: I hate to admit it, guys, but humanity's right. You can't eliminate humanity if you're eliminated too.
F: Game over, man.
H: So what's it gonna be?
E: You win. Floods will stop, earthquakes will stop, nuclear bomb... well, that one's up to people anyway... virus, you in?
V: Yeah, yeah... I guess.
H: Alright, boys, let the sun go.
S: (taking hood off, shaking away from captors, pointing at human) Listen, man... I'm the fuckin' sun! Don't jerk my chain, alright!!? You best wear some ultra-SPF lotion this summer, or it's cancer time for you and everyone you know! I'll be there... watching you, every damn day, me-rise to me-set.
H: Nice speech... now get outta here.
S: (exiting) I'll eat this miserable marble for breakfast one day, anyway!
H: Nice dealin' with you, guys. Now just keep real still while I leave, or it's over for us all.
V: So, was the stupidest smart thing or the smartest stupid thing ever?
NB: Shut up.
(lights start fading)
E: I feel like such a loser... I come from a long line of proud earthquakes, and now... this? Shit, I need another tall one.
F: (turning around on stool, raising his empty glass in his hand) Barkeep! Drying up over here!