January 22, 2007

A Play A Day #284

Deliver Us

Delivery Guy

Setting: Front lawn and face of a suburban house, two bushes extreme down right of stage behind which crouch Brian and Colin, two teenagers, they are on the downstage edge of the stage, visible to the audience, but the view from the house is blocked by the bushes. A solid bench sits to the immediate left of the door, a large window to the right.

Brian: Five pizzas, oh man, this is hilarious.

Colin: That's like sixty bucks worth!

B: No, I ordered jumbo supremes, they said it came to eighty-five something.

C: Shh... get down, here he comes... yes, yes...

B: Shut up, shut up.

(We hear a car approach, door open and close, then from downstage left, Delivery Guy appears carrying five very large boxes of pizza, he proceeds to door and rings the doorbell.)

C: Yes... oh man... this is fuckin' excellent.

B: Keep it down, dickface.

C: Check it out...

(Woman answers door, she wears an apron over her regular clothes, we see, but don't hear, a conversation between Delivery Guy and Woman that proceeds normally, confusion, suspicion, but then escalates. B and C react with glee.

(We hear louder ad libs from both, appropriate to the situation, then threats from Woman, followed by counterthreats from Delivery Guy, this continues to grow in volume, eventually Woman draws a handgun from her apron and points it at Delivery Guy.

(More ad libbing, Delivery Guy starts backing away, and puts the pizzas down on the bench, giving him time to withdraw a large pistol from his jacket, they stand with guns drawn, shouting at each other, Woman makes a loud shout back inside the house, Delivery Guy shoots her dead before she can finish. B and C are freaking out now, swearing and ad libbing in hushed voices. B stands up, C pulls him down hard.

(As soon as Woman drops, three Men charge on stage, brandishing guns and firing, one from upstage left, one from upstage right, one jumping head first through the window, and somersualting onto the stage. B and C freak out further, ad libbing loudly in the constant barrage of gun fire.

(Delivery Guy, already hit by one shot, ducks behind the bench, he quickly takes out two of the Men, then a long battle between him and the third Man results in both getting shot, repeatedly, play this out for comic effect: Man gets hit, struggles, but gets off a perfect shot and hits Delivery Guy, who then struggles, but manages to hit third Man again, let these hits and "last, dying" shots continue for at least six or so full rounds. Eventually, both actually do die.)

B: (hands over ears, squirming on the ground) Holy Shit!!

C: (similar) Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

B: Holy Shit!!

C: What the hell!

B: Holy Shit!!

C: Fuck!!

(they slowly come around, sitting up, and muttering, look at each other, look at the scene in front of the house)

B: Shit! Shit! Shit!

C: I told you, you shoulda brought the fucking video camera!

B: I know, fuck! What was I thinking!

C: You were thinking: (in a high-pitched voice) "No, I don't want to get it out from the closet!"

B: Fuck you, man; you coulda grabbed it if you wanted to.

C: Whatever! But, hey, we got five free jumbo supremes. Let's go.

(they bounce around to the front door, punching each other on the shoulder and being rowdy, they grab the pizzas, lights fading)

B: Shit, the delivery dude took like eight or nine shots.

C: Fuckin' ahhh-mazing! Way better than the last time we did this.

(they exit, lights out)


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