January 14, 2007

A Play A Day #276

Humanities League

Woman 1
Woman 2
Woman 3

Setting: Cheesy 1980s dance club.

(Lights up flashing on the pulsating but, like the '80s, dull scene. All is pastels, leg warmers, spandex and popped collars, three women lean on a neon wall, in walks Man, the song "Don't You Want Me" by Human League starts. Man goes into an elaborate dance, way over the top, trying to draw attention to himself and his general genital area. When the first chorus hits, he is addressing Woman 1 by singing along)

Man: Don't you want me, baby?

Woman 1: (quickly) No!

(Man lets this roll off, seemingly unpreturbed, the second time the chorus hits, he propositions Woman 2 with the same line, singing along)

Man: Don't you want me, baby?

Woman 2: (quickly) No!

(Man goes back to dancing through the second verse, even more overblown, when the second chorus hits, he is at Woman 3's feet, singing in full rock star pose)

Man: Don't you want me, baby?

Woman 3: Yes!

(Music stops abruptly. Man stands.)

Man: What?

Woman 3: I said "yes".

Man: Oh... (shocked for little bit, then realizing that's not how he should be reacting) I mean, cool... great! Uhhh, well, let's go.

Woman 3: Where?

Man: (playing the the other women as well) Well, there's a quiet spot in the back seat of...

Woman 3: Ummm, why would I want to go there?

Man: (too quickly) Or we could stay here, that's fine, fine... fine.

Woman 3: If you're staying here, then I'm leaving. (starts to exit)

Man: Wait... I thought... oh, you want me to follow, I get it. Some chicks are like that.

Woman 3: (stopped, facing him again) No! I don't want you to follow! Go away!

Man: But, hey, you said "yes"... the little song there... Human League...

Woman 3: Oh, that!

Man: Yeah, great band by the way, I have all of their album. It's great.

Woman 3: Listen, jerk, you asked if I didn't want you, correct?

Man: Well, no... it's "Don't you want me, baby?"

Woman 3: (overlapping) ...me, baby? Right, exactly. Same thing.

Man: Huh?

Woman 3: So I told you that, yes; yes I don't want you.... baby. So stay away from me! (she exits)

Man: What? (does the mental parsing of what she just said, then figures something out, he gets a big grin on his face, turns to Woman 1 and Woman 2, stands between them for a little bit, then says) Ladies?

(Woman 1 and Woman 2 come to each side of him, he puts his arms around them, they start walking off together)

Man: Why didn't you tell me the English teachers' convention was here in town?

Woman 1: You didn't ask... correctly.

Woman 2: "Here in town" is redundant, by the way.

(Man and women laugh as "Don't You Want Me" swells over the speakers again)

(lights fade)



Wendy Berrell said...

Well done - thanks. You are a clever fellow. The only thing that would make you cleverer would be insertion of carp or carp-like characters into your plays.

Brendon Etter said...

Perhaps you haven't read play #33? Not carp, but...

ShOI said...

Justin's right, that was clever. Maybe instead of "Don't You Want Me" coming back on at the end, it could be "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones.