May 30, 2008

Brief Summaries and Morals of Every "ABC After School Special" I Can Almost Vaguely Remember

A haze falls over my television memory, and we only had three channels during my entire formative television years. (And those three channels were all uphill, in the snow, fifteen miles away, each way!)

Did I let that stop me? No! I fought on.

I must pass these treasured stories from one generation to the next. I don't care which generation, as long as it's being passed along. That's my point here. The fables and stories of our great culture must be preserved, even if only precariously - nay, half-assedly - so.

Here lies, for all to see, what might be the well-minted storylines and morals from that true repository of our societal guide posts: The ABC After School Special.

STORYLINE: A popular cheerleader discovers that the socially-awkward, homely girl in class is a real person with normal feelings and desires.
MORAL: Cheerleaders love having sex.

STORYLINE: A homely, timid boy overcomes his fear of the popular cheerleader and wins her heart by getting cancer and dying.
MORAL: Cheerleaders will have sex with you if you're dying.

STORYLINE: A popular cheerleader uncovers a satanic cult among some of her cheerleading peers.
MORAL: Cheerleaders usually won't have sex with you if you're covered in goat blood.

STORYLINE: A popular cheerleader discovers that the star distance runner on the track team still wets his bed.
MORAL: Cheerleaders like golden showers.

STORYLINE: A popular cheerleader gets a rare disease and dies courageously, inspiring a whole town.
MORAL: Make sure the rare disease isn't contagious before having sex with a courageous, dying cheerleader.

STORYLINE: A huge shark terrorizes a coastal village during tourist season.
MORAL: Killing huge sharks might impress cheerleaders, who might then have sex with you.

STORYLINE: A popular cheerleader confronts her classmate's drug problem courageously.
MORAL: Getting high is a great foot in the door when you're trying to have sex with a cheerleader.

STORYLINE: A popular cheerleader is paralyzed doing a courageous cheer, inspiring a coastal village.
MORAL: Sharks must die.

STORYLINE: A popular satanic shark wets his bed, spreading cancer among the cheerleading squad who paralyze a whole town with their inspiring drug abuse.
MORAL: Cheerleaders really love having sex.


Unknown said...

STORYLINE: A shy but athletic kid challenges the whole town's preconceived notions by trying out for a winning a spot on the cheerleading squad.
MORAL: Cheerleaders won't have sex with male cheerleaders.

STORYLINE: A cheerleader gets into a car accident and becomes a quadriplegic. She stays on the squad by maneuvering her wheelchair by blowing in a tube.
MORAL: Cheerleaders love sex even if they can't feel anything.

STORYLINE: A captain of the Shark's football team inspires his coastal village to bind together.
MORAL: Cheerleaders love BDS&M.

Brendon Etter said...

That's the shit, Henry!

Why are you so obsessed with cheerleaders though?

Creeping me out, man.