According to this guy, professional football (American football, damnit! U!S!A! U!S!A!) players, and regular schlubs in corporate settings are often made to complete tests like this one called the Wonderlic Personnel Test, which, aside from its sexalicious-sounding name, is meant to neatly categorize people into intelligence concentration camps - truly smart / smart / nearly everyone else / fucking idiot - so that we may more easily discriminate against people based on one simple parameter rather than bother ourselves with their other redeeming qualities.
The questions seem pretty simple, but there is a time limit imposed. The sample test above gives you two minutes to complete nine questions (13.3 seconds per question). The full test gives you twelve minutes for fifty questions (14.4 seconds per question).
How did you do? I will smugly assert that I got all nine correct, with 15 seconds left on the clock. This isn't important, except as a reminder that I am smarter and, therefore, better than you are. Oh, and also, you are obviously a bad human being who has been stinking up the planet for long enough. And, while we're at it, give me your money.
Alright, just kidding about all that mess. Truth is, I'm good at IQ tests, but very, very bad at many other things. Like compassion, drawing, not stabbing people in the stomach, tying knots and breakfast. Also, I can't snap my fingers. No idea why. Never could. Still can't. I know, I know - this makes me a complete fucking loser. Thankfully, this test had no questions that required the answer to be snapped on one's fingers. I can do that finger-in-your-cheek popping sound pretty well though.
Moving on, I thought it would be fun to create a similar test for you. How disstupid are you? Take my test and find out!
First task, give it a similarly porny sounding name... How about...
The Goodblow Job Aptitude Test
(Time limit: 10 minutes longer than it takes you to finish. Put your head on your desk and drool.)
1. This question is
a) the first question.
b) question #1.
c) at the beginning of the test.
d) actually a statement.
f) a metaphor.
2. Assume the first two statements are true.
I always stab people in the ass. I am standing behind you. Run.
Is the final statement:
d) Adequate warning?
3. The correct answer to this question is
c) a and b.
f) c, e, b and not f.
g) d and q.
4. A boat leaves the harbor at 11:15 PM. Why?
a) No reason, really.
b) The harbor was letting many, many other boats enter her.
d) More accurately, the harbor and the boat left each other.
5. A farmer has forty meters of fencing. He must construct an enclosure for five baby goats, and he wants to give them the largest area possible. Baby goats are
d) easy to throw.
e) inadequate trial attorneys.
f) shish kabobable.
6. Which is the largest number?
b) infinity infinity
c) infinity plus eternity
d) triple infinity
e) infinity to the infinity power
f) infinity times your mom
g) infinity !extreme!
7) Can you get this question wrong?
8) What's bothering you?
a) the weather
b) the very real juxtaposition of love and anger in the human psyche
c) the screams of your imprisoned victims
d) the ceaseless quest to find meaning in this life
9) What is next in the following sequence?
1, 2, 3, 4 ...
c) more numbers
e) it just ends at 4
f) all of the above
I answered #7 correctly! Woohoo!
I got all 9 on the Wunderlic with 44 seconds to go. Would've been faster, but I thought too hard about #5, as I usually do when confronted with arbitrarily numbered objects. Looking for patterns is my Achilles' heel.
Well done, I got them all correct. So when do I get the keys to the Mayor's office? Or perhaps you should be sending ME money?
Shoi needs a different heel. Achilles is looking for his, and, the story goes, he is not to be trifled with... though he does have one weakness: he doesn't have a heel, making walking much more difficult. You can probably outrun him, Shoi, or at least point and laugh.
Mnmom, what a hard name to pronounce! I don't recall grading your test. I'll be the final arbiter of any dispute regarding the Goodblow Job Aptitude Test. I've got the answers around here somewhere... I think... ummm... I'll get back to you on this... seem to have mispla... hey, could you take it again?
Sophie can snap her fingers.
Ohhhh... that's just so fucking impressive! You really just try to hurt me, don't you? You get off on causing me pain, huh?
Maybe, Sophie wouldn't snap her fingers if they should, all of a sudden-like, just go missing...
Sorry, Circe, that was unnecessary.
I meant to say that I, too, can snap Sophie's fingers.
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