May 29, 2008

I Went To "The Vagina Monologues," And All I Got Was This Lousy List

I respect the purpose of "The Vagina Monologues" and, as much as it creeped me out to have all those women talking with their vaginas, I felt the evening was empowering and sexy... emsexerising?

(An open question: How many years of ventriloquism and pelvic muscle training do most of the performers need to speak from their tunnel of love?)

Just wondering. My friend Shari probably knows. She says that she can actually breathe through her vagina, but maybe that's just when she's walking on her hands.

Despite this theatrical / linguistical / gynecological miracle, I do feel that "The Vagina Monologues" needs a little priming to maintain its edge.

Don't get me wrong here; I think it's great that we can provide a couple hours of stage time every year to a whole bunch of vaginas. I would hate for audiences to forget that vaginas are the single most important part of the female anatomy.

How tragic would our world be, for instance, if we forgot to acknowledge that every woman is a vagina? How cruel to demean women by paying attention to something other than her vagina! "The Vagina Monologues" remind us all that we must never ignore her vagina - preferably, her hot, wet, beautifully empowered vagina - not even for a second.

I walk that talk, too. I make it a point to commune directly with all vaginas, ignoring the messy, extraneous "other" bits, physical or not, that cobbles together the female - her hair, her eyes, her brain, her needs, her feelings.

"The Vagina Monologues" has taught me that all women prefer to be dealt with through their vaginas. Straight up. Respectfully. Man to man.

Nonetheless, as easy as it is for me, I recognize that some audience members may need newer, flashier features to maintain their interest.
Here are my suggestions for making sure the vaginas keep drawing them in year after year:

1. More vagina juggling

2. Trying to set a world record for the number of people that can fit in a vagina at one time

3. Vaginaoke: Sing along with top vagina hits

4. Vagina mixed martial arts fighting

5. Informational session on how to locate a vagina in an emergency

6. Cooking with vaginas

7. Funniest vagina competition

8. Relay races

9. Demonstrations of what should and should not be stored inside vaginas

10. Competent acting

11. Update on the push for a crucial national vagina database

12. The clean and jerk

13. A good old-fashioned sword fight

14. Vagina mimes - "Help! Help! I'm trapped in a furry, invisible box!"

15. Silly vagina masks


Unknown said...

12. Do a skit with two women at the store. The buyer counts out her money with her vagina and then the clerk makes change with hers.

12. Add bead eyes at just below the mass of pubic hair and have the vaginas sing opera.

Brendon Etter said...

Thanks, Henry, but I think Sesame Street did the first of your suggestions back in the sexually-free 1970s.

What would the vagina opera singers perform? Cosi Fan Tutte? That would... fit.

Circe said...

It seems that Henry has beaten me to the punch, but I will add my 2 cents anyway:

14. Have the vaginas work box office as well. There's nothing as hot as a vagina counting and making change.

15. Vaginas drink a glass of water while singing "The Star Spangled Banner".

16. Vaginas play strip poker.

17. Vaginas demo scrapbooking and stamping.

18. "Vaginas on Ice".

Brendon Etter said...

Vaginas on Ice!

Fabulous! Maybe we could call it "Slippery Slittery"?

Unknown said...

19. Have the pubic hair deloused using a Rug Doctor while the vaginas are tortured into singing "the Rug Doctor gets steaming mad at dirt!" over and over until blisters form on them.

20. Have the vaginas devour severed phalli while the orchestra plays some Bikini Kill.

Brendon Etter said...

Yikes, Henry... are you venting?

Like a steaming mad vagina?

Little comical curlicues of anger vapor wafting from your scalp and ears?

Regarding #20: There may be some symbolism there for you to examine.

ShOI said...

21. Mozart's rarely performed "Eine Kleine Nachtvagina."

Brendon Etter said...

Damn you, Shoi! I'm supposed to be the smart one! How did you know about Mozart's favorite "piece"?

You're just lucky I had swallowed what I was drinking before I read that little bit. You would have owed me for a new monitor.