May 2, 2008

Local Trees Surround Village, Attack Feared Imminent

DEE CROSSING, OH - This spring has awakened Dee Crossing residents to the awareness that the tiny valley hamlet of 845 has been outflanked by a surging army of trees. Local law enforcement authorities are, for the moment, advising residents to remain calm as teams of town leaders and military strategists from the VFW post on Ball Street assess the situation.

"There's definitely more of them this year than last, and they look bigger too," Dee Crossing volunteer fire department captain and police chief, Darren Schunker, stated in a Wednesday evening phone interview placed to his home and makeshift command center. "We have noticed that, as the weather's turned warmer, the trees seem to be arming themselves with bright green bullets which they wield on the periphery of their powerful wings."

Authorities fear the green color of the munitions may underscore the massing foliage's evil intent. According to Megan Klenk, vice-president of operations at TriRiver Lumber Mill and Forestry Services, "That vivid, chartreusey green just doesn't occur in nature. There's got to be some chemical process behind it. Probably plutonium."

The prospect of attack by rampaging, radioactive swarms of trees has put Dee Crossing on alert. Resident patrols watch the interior perimeter of the enveloping force. "Mostly, they just stand there, but, sometimes, if you're real quiet, you can hear them sort of whispering to each other," said high school senior and volunteer patrol scout, Lucas Wartleburn. "God knows what sick crap they're going to try and pull."

The trees seem to be unscrupulous in their mobilizations to date. Residents are reporting that they have spotted what appear to be very little trees arrayed among the formidable adults. Schunker confirms the sighting of many trees that are "obviously just babies or very, very young" which the older trees seem willing to sacrifice in their effort to eradicate the town. "When you consider that they're going to do that, and that Larry (Grosnik, TriRiver's CEO) advised me that most of the larger ones seem to be wearing thick suicide vests made of an explosive material called 'bark', you can see the level of danger we're facing."

Authorities are warning residents against taking vigilante actions. Instead, Schunker and Dee Crossing Mayor, Rebecca Imbs, are working with TriRiver management to enlist citizens in a "massive, coordinated strike against" the trees.

"TriRiver says with enough organized volunteer help from the good people of Dee Crossing, they may be able to completely wipe out all 18,000 acres of menacing hardwood," says Imbs. Klenk adds that "TriRiver has bravely ventured into these battles before. We have the weaponry to clear this threat, but we're going to need help from Dee Crossing residents, young and old. It's them or us."

If successful in enlisting enough volunteers from the town, TriRiver estimates the bellicose trees could be "completely obliterated" within 24 months. TriRiver has also offered to clean up and dispose of the tree dead on behalf of Dee Crossing. "We don't want rotting carcasses everywhere, and Larry Grosnik has let us know that TriRiver would take care of that problem without charging residents much, especially considering the enormity of the task," remarked Imbs.

Klenk asserts that all tree corpses would be handled professionally and respectfully with their remains distributed to manufacturers willing to make products that "commemorate and memorialize the courageous citizen-soldiers of Dee Crossing, like chairs and reams of copy paper."

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