November 21, 2006

A Play A Day #222

World Record


Setting: A very large number of chairs on the stage, no sense or order to them, easily visible clock on one wall.

(Ellen enters, sees Ben, sitting on his hands on one of the chairs)

Ellen: Ben? What's with all the chairs?

Ben: Oh, hey, Ellen. I'm setting a world record!

E: Cool. What for? Number of chairs in a small apartment?

B: No. See? I'm sitting on my hands.

E: (wending her way through the chairs) You often sit on your hands. So?

B: But this time, I'm setting the world record for longest time ever sitting on my hands.

E: Cool... wait... did you say sitting on your hands?

B: Yeah... world record for sitting on my hands.

E: I've known you a while Ben. Have you been keeping track?

B: Of what?

E: You sit on your hands a lot; it's one of your idiosyncracies.

B: Yeah. I'm good at it; lots of practice.

E: Right, but how will you know when you will have passed your old record? You know? Have you been keeping track?

B: No, but, look. I've never sat in this chair before.

E: So? How does that change anything?

B: Well, you're right, I don't have any idea how long my longest hand-sit was before today.

E: Yeah...

B: Let me finish.

E: Yeah, okay, sorry.

B: So, I don't know what the old record for sitting on my hands was; so I've narowed it down. The world record I'm going for is longest length of time sitting on my hands in this chair!

E: Oh... and you think that will be some sort of world record?

B: Who else has sat on my hands while sitting in this chair?

E: Ben...

B: See, Ellen, I'm a shoe-in.

E: Ben...

B: Could you go get the camera and take a picture of me; so they can put it in the book?

E: No, Ben, I really should...

B: Please, Ellen? I need some documentation, or I can't get in the book.

E: Isn't there someone else you can get? Call someone?

B: I'm sitting on my hands, Ellen; you're my only hope. Everyone else promised, but they all lamed out on me.

E: I'm actually pretty busy today, Ben.

B: So am I! Look at all the other chairs in here.

E: Oh... I see... well, you've got a full day ahead of you. (turns to leave)

B: C'mon, Ellen!

E: (turns back, motioning to clock) Haven't you set the record yet?

B: For this chair?

E: Yeah, that chair.

B: Most definitely, but I'm going to go a bit longer to really put distance between me and any future contenders.

E: What future contenders?

B: Once they see the record in the book, they'll be bursting my door down to sit on my hands in this chair. If I set a solid mark, it should discourage most of them from even trying.

E: Great. See you tomorrow. (turns away starts exiting)

B: Oh, jeez... you know, just don't even bother coming over tomorrow.

E: Ben, don't be that way.

B: What? I just mean that I'll be sleeping off all these world record attempts. This is going to really take it out of me; I mean, I've got all these chairs and... (thinking to himself and continuing under Ellen's parting line)

(lights fading)

E: Okay, well, have a good time. (she leaves)

B: (to himself) ...then again in the scuba suit... then the clown nose... then naked... (lights out) then just sitting on the right hand... then the left... then wearing gloves...



ShOI said...

Hey, I just set the world record for reading this play while sitting in my chair! Unfortunately, I have no witnesses :(

Brendon Etter said...

Damn! Well, I set the record for writing it in a different chair.