November 22, 2006

A Play A Day #223

Crunching Numbers


Setting: Lew's living room. Just a desk and a couple chairs are needed.

(Lights up, Lew is feverishly working with pencil and notebook, papers scattered all over his desk, crumpled up, many, many more discarded papers are strewn across the floor, most are also crumpled up, there is a knock on his front door)

Lew: Come in!

(Opal enters)

Opal: Okay, Lew, what's the big news?

L: Thanks for making it over so fast.

O: I live next door.

L: (distracted) Great. I wanted to show you these figures I've been working on.

O: Yeah? What?

L: I've been crunching the numbers for the past two weeks, and it's quite shocking...


O: What is?

L: Well... here have a seat... now, according to my demographic research and some pretty specific scientific sampling and number crunching, I've been able to estimate the number of orgasms that happen in this town on a daily basis.


O: Oh... (he's very excited, she's a little nervous)

L: Do you want to know the number?

O: Ummm.... sure?

L: You don't sound too sure, Opal.

O: Ahhhhh... well... yes, yes... I'm sure. What's the number?

L: Okay... every day, this town has approximately 1,184 orgasms!

(long pause, lots of staring)

L: Well? Isn't that great?!

O: Ummm... Lew... the census shows that there are only 315 people in this town.

L: 314 actually, Elmer Wiggits died three days ago.

O: Right... okay... but...

L: Yeah, that's a lot, I know.

O: Lew, that's almost four a day by every man, woman and... and (she softens her voice, worried about the implications of even saying it)child in town.

L: I know; I've crunched the numbers and found that we have the highest per capita orgasm rate in the entire tri-county area.

O: (pause) Tri-county area? Lew, I would guess, and I'm not a researcher or number fanatic like you, but I would guess that we may have the highest per capita orgasm rate in the country... or even the world, for that matter.

L: Yeah? Really? I was sticking with more local numbers, but, you know, maybe you're right. Wow! Think of it, Opal! We could draw so much business here with numbers like that!

O: I don't see how...

L: Adult bookstores, adult movie theaters, adult toy shops, adult nightclubs! Or! Some bizarre combination of all four of these!

O: Ummm... how did you come up with these numbers, Lew?

L: Well... I really like crunching numbers.

O: Right, but how...

L: I really really like crunching numbers.

(long pause)

O: You don't mean...

L: I'm one hundred percent positive on the spike in our per capita orgasm rate over the past two weeks... it's definitely up by 1,141 per day.

O: (backing away) Uhhh... that's...

L: (distracted by the numbers again) Really exciting, I know!

O: It's sick, Lew!

L: And excruiatingly painful, but that's science.

(Opal slowly leaves. Shocked. Lights start to fade.)

L: (calling out after her) Hey, could you bring me that box of tissues in the kitchen before you head out? I've got more numbers to crunch, and these old calculations (indicating crumpled papers everywhere) just aren't that absorbent.

(he starts crunching numbers again, feverishly)

(lights out)


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