Fly Fly Fly
Setting: Chelsea's bedroom.
(lights up, Martin and Chelsea, two teenagers, are making out, sitting on Chelsea's bed, this goes on for a while, Martin starts leaning Chelsea back on the bed, his hand starts sliding up her skirt. Chelsea snaps forward and hops off the bed very quickly. She walks around the bedroom for a while.)
Martin: Don't you love me?
Chelsea: (to audience) It's only our first date; how could I love him? How do you answer a question like that? (to Martin) Of course I love you.
M: Well, I thought, since you obviously... (voice fades out but he continues talking to Chelsea)
C: (audience) Here comes this part; I knew he'd bring this up eventually. They all do. "If you loved me, then you'd do what I wanted." Can't they at least be original when they're trying to get me in bed... ohhh... hey, guess I already was kinda in bed there... Whatever, he's not going to talk me into it.
M: (voice fades back up) ... and then we can rent our own apartment. Pretty cool, huh?
C: (audience) I guess I'll hit back with the old standard. (to Martin) Of course I want to have sex with you! You're so hot!
M: Alright! I brought some condoms... (fumbling for his wallet) These ones are even new. My brother bought them in just the last year or so.
C: (audience) Okay, I think I said the wrong thing. I was going to tell him that I can't have sex with him, because... because... ummmm... he's ugly... no... ummm... my period? No, then he just dispenses with the condoms, that's even worse... okay... okay... I have to tell him the truth. The truth. The truth, the truth, the truth.
M: (holding up a condom) So?
C: (to Martin) Martin, I... can't have sex with you... because... I have all these clothes on.
M: Right... well, then take them off...
C: (audience) I know I don't have a brush in my hand, and I certainly don't have any cans... but I'm sure painting myself into a corner here. Gotta stall... ummm....
M: Chelsea? Come on.
C: You first.
C: (audience) Ha! The paint dries quickly! (To Martin) Yes, you.
M: But you're the one who said you wanted to sleep with me.
C: Did you want to sleep with you then, and not me? (audience) Someone just got burned, and it wasn't me.
M: Yeah... no, I mean... I want to sleep with you, too... I just meant, that you seemed really interested and all and maybe then you'd take your clothes off?
C: (audience) Well, this could go on for quite a while. (to Martin) Are you afraid to take your clothes off?
M: No... no... no... no... I just... well, I...
C: (audience) Hmmm, where to go next. Ah, what the hell... (to Martin) Do you have something you don't want me to see?
M: What?! Uhhh... no... of course, not...
C: (audience) That was too soft. (to Martin) Is it too soft?
M: Uhhh... wait... ummm...
C: (audience) Maybe that was too much. (to Martin) Is it not very much?
M: Huuuhh... uhhhh... no, it's very... it's something...
C: Well, that's better than nothing.
M: Yeah... so... can you just take off your skirt or something?
C: (audience) Well, I didn't think he'd make it through. He's stronger than I thought. (to Martin) But, I really like this skirt.
M: Right... umm... okay... if you take the skirt off, then I'll take my socks off?
C: (audience) What?! (to Martin) What?!
M: Okay, my... my pants... I'll take my pants off.
C: (audience) That's better. Ohhh..... wait a second... I didn't want to do this... crap, what was I thinking? (to Martin) No.
M: No what? No, I shouldn't take my pants off?
C: (audience) Okay, need to tell him the truth, or we are going to debate undressing protocol all night. (to Martin) Martin, I can't have sex with you, and it's not because I'm wearing clothes. It's because.... I don't have genitals.
M: What? You don't... none?
C: Nope, nothing there.
M: Are you serious?
C: Yes. I'm without that greatest womanly... charm.
M: Prove it.
M: Show me.
C: (audience) Well, he's got me there. Damnit, Chels, use your head! Alright, no more hiding. (to Martin) I can't!
M: Why not?
C: (to Martin) I've got my period! (audience) Ahhh! That was... stupid.
C: (audience) Or... maybe not... I've overestimated him... (to Martin) Yep, it's pretty bad... blood everywhere.
M: (long pause) Hey... wait a minute, I just thought of something, how could you have your period... (fade out)
C: (audience) Well, he's slow, but not slow enough, I guess. There's got to be a way out of this. I just have to tell him that I don't want to have sex, that I've never had sex, and I don't want a boy with a suboptimal understanding of a woman's genitals to be the first. He's not even all that cute. (to Martin) Listen, Martin, you're really handsome and so smart, and you're right, I do have genitals, but I don't want to have sex right now. The truth is ... well, the truth is... that... I... ummm...
M: Are you a virgin, Chelsea?
C: (audience) Ah, man... this sucks. (to Martin) NO! No! Are you kidding!? Haha! A virgin... I'm sure... I've had sex soooo many times... it's all a big blur, just one guy after another! (audience) Okay, that was a bit too strenuous a denial, wasn't it?
M: Me too, me too! I'm always having sex... with... people.... uhh, girls! All the time! Girls! Girls! Not people! I meant girls!
C: (audience) I guess I'll ignore the "people" vs "girls" distinction in exchange for figuring out how to save myself. (to Martin) No, Martin, I can't have sex right now, because... I'm a bird.
C: (audience) No, I didn't just say that... I didn't... I didn't... (to Martin) Yes, Martin, I'm a bird. (audience) I did.
M: You're a bird?
C: Yeah... I look like a girl... you know, I go to high school, look like a perfectly normal eighteen year old human, but, really, I'm a falcon, and a shapeshifter. (audience) Oh no, I know what he's going to ask now.
M: Let me see!
C: I can only do it in certain circumstances, and this isn't one of them....
C: (audience, with heavy sarcasm) Oh yeah! Totally. (to Martin, with heavy sincerity) Oh yeah. Totally.
M: Man, I've read about this in this book about dark magic.
C: (audience) Is it good or bad that he believes me? Let's find out. (to Martin) Right, I read that book! That's how I learned how to do it!
M: What? The book doesn't have instructions in it.
C: Weird. My copy did.
M: I thought you had to be born a shapeshifter.
C: That's what I thought too. Until I read the book "So You Weren't Born A Shapeshifter, But You Want To Become One Anyway". (audience) God... nice title...
M: I read that too!
C: (audience) He didn't just say that he read a book I just made up, did he? (to Martin) Did it work for you?
M: Well, I felt tingly sometimes, but then I'd look in the mirror, and I'd be the same.
C: (audience) This just isn't a conversation you ever expect to have. (to Martin) We're you trying to be a falcon?
M: No, I was shooting for, like, a huge white wolf.
C: You should try a falcon. It's much easier.
M: Yeah, how so?
C: Here, let me help you... first... (to audience) Anyone know any seriously dark magic?
M: What? First what?
C: (audience) Anyone? Anyone? (to Martin) First, you have to believe you can fly!
M: Okay, done!
C: (puts her hands on her head) Now, I think I should be able to pass some of the dark magic... the really dark parts... into you through touch. (withdraws) Okay, done.
M: Now what?
C: (audience) Any other great ideas? (to Martin) Now you recite the incantation. Three times.
C: Here it is: Heart of fire / Heart of feather / Set my wings free / In any weather / The Falcon's body / The Falcon's eye / Into the wind / I fly, fly, fly.
M: Okay... Heart of fire ... (fade out)
C: (audience) Please forgive what I'm about to do. Please? I'll try very hard to be honest in the future. I will. Incidentally, I thought the poem was pretty nice for, you know, just making it up on the spot. (to Martin) Are you done?
M: Into the wind / I fly, fly, fly. There, done.
C: Now, Martin, here's the scary part, you're almost there, but... ohhh... I don't know... it's really very dangerous... and I don't think you...
M: What is it!?
C: No... I think you'll be too afraid to do it.
M: No! I won't! Tell me!
C: It's just really scary...
M: Tell me now!
C: Okay, okay... you have to be... in the air... when you change...
M: Yeah? So?
C: You have to be airborne, and you change into a falcon in mid-flight.
M: Oh... ummm... okay! I'll do it.
C: Right now, your body is charged for the shift; you just need to hurl yourself in the air and the change will happen.
M: (hopping onto her bed and jumping) Like this?
C: Kind of... but no. It needs to be more of a leap of faith.
M: Leap of faith?
C: Yeah, a bigger jump, where you show respect for the power of dark magic by abandoning your fears to its power. You put yourself into a helpless situation, you show faith, and the dark magic will provide.
C: (goes to large window, throws it open, talks in a way to fire him up) Now! Here you go, Martin! Out the window!
M: We're two stories up...
C: Have faith! You have to show faith! You are this close to being a falcon!
M: (withdrawing) Uhhh... yeah.... but...
C: (audience) Again, please forgive me; but I can't have sex with this guy. (to Martin) Martin. You know what it means, Martin; don't you?
C: If you turn into a falcon, Martin? You know what that means, right?
M: Ummm... we... get to... have sex?
C: A lot! I can only have sex with other falcon shapeshifters.
C: Falcons have great sex, Martin.
C: Oh yeah! It's awesome!
M: Okay... so... I just jump out the window?
C: Let me just lay my hands on your head again (does so for a few seconds) Okay... now! Say the end of the incantation again...
M: I fly, fly, fly...
C: Keep saying it! (lines him up with the window) Come on! Fly, fly, fly!
M: (overlapping) Fly, fly, fly... fly, fly, fly...
C: (getting louder, more heroic) Fly! Fly! Fly!
M: (much louder, still overlapping) Fly! Fly! Fly!
C: (pointing with great flair as Martin continues to rev himself up with the chant) Now Martin! Out the window! Fly! Fly! Fly!
(Martin still chanting, louder and louder, then a determined growl as he runs forward and leaps out the window, pause, a thud is heard. Chelsea walks to the window, peeks out)
C: You okay?
M: (muffled, in pain) I... I ... think so.
C: See you in school on Monday. (closes window, then, to audience) You know, in my own defense, I honestly didn't think that would work. Well, I'm tired... (starts pulling back her covers) Oops... almost forgot... better go brush my beak. (walks off to her bathroom)