Setting: Returns counter, large sporting goods store.
(lights up on Vance doing paperwork behind counter, Kyle enters, steps to counter)
Kyle: Excuse... excuse me?
Vance: Hi! Welcome to PeopleSportz! My name is Vance. I'll be your merchandise returns technician. How can I help you?
K: Hi, Vance. I bought this here the other day. (holds up a generic small rubber ball)
V: (grabbing the ball, with awe in his voice) Ahh! The Bounce! Now! ExtreemEnator TGS Series 500 synthetic with patented re-inertial g-scoping spin control and guaranteed anti-unreturn impact revectoring! It's a thing of beauty; isn't it, sir?
K: Yes... I guess... if you... I mean... I don't... what?
V: (still admiring the ball) One of the finest we carry. Most people said the TGS 400s couldn't be topped, but those geniuses did it, somehow. Amazing piece of work, this. Simply amazing.
K: Yes... okay... but see it... doesn't work.
V: (beside himself with shock) Wha... wha... I... doesn't work? You... you... can't be serious?
K: NO.. I'm seri...
V: (frantically looking about) NO... this is a joke, right? Ohh! I know... there's a camera somewhere like behind that plant... (walks over to a potted plant, looks behind it, finding nothing, he desperately kicks the plant across the stage) Ahhhh... uhhh... this is weird (still looking) there's got to be a camera around here somewhere... I've seen things like this on those funny channels... (still looking) Ummm... okay... okay... okay... breathe, Vance, breathe. It's obviously a joke. Obviously someone sent by the AttackBall corporation, some corporate shill looking to ruin the good name of the Bounce! Now! company... yes... that must...
K: Um, Vance, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm not...
V: (staring at Kyle, jumps on him) I know! I know! The camera is on you! You have one on your glasses (tearing his glasses off) or in your shirt, or maybe down your pants! (tries tearing them off Kyle)
K: Get off me! Help! Help! Stop it! (continue adlibs throughout)
V: You'd like that wouldn't you! You corporate spy! Infiltrator! I know, your shoes! That's where that damn camera is!
(Kyle eventually escapes after Vance has removed one of his shoes, Vance is trying to tear the shoe apart to find the camera. Kyle is in shock. Marcy enters.)
Marcy: Vance! What is going on here?!
V: Marcy! Thank God you're here... this man, right there, him! He is a spy! I know it! He came in asking to return...
M: Vance. Why do you have this man's shoe?
V: The camera!
V: The camera! It's in here somewhere!
K: He attacked me! He jumped on me and tried to tear my clothes off, and he yelled at me; he took my shoe! I was trying to return a defective product... it said on the receipt "No questions asked" It said that, "30 days" I can return anything within thirty days with "no questions asked"!
V: Marcy! You don't understand... don't listen to him! He is a deceiver, a liar! He probably kills babies!
K: I am not a liar!
M: Vance. Give this man his shoe back.
M: Vance! Now!
V: Marcy, you don't...
V: (throws the shoe at Kyle, hard) Satan!
M: (helping Vance to his feet) Vance, I want you take a breather... you need to think about what you've done here. At PeopleSportz, we never, ever, physically attack the customer.
V: But, Marcy... it's bad... he...
M: To the breakroom, Vance. I'll speak to you when I've finished here.
(Marcy merely points offstage, Vance makes to protest, Marcy points more pointedly, Vance hangs his head, walks offstage)
M: Please accept my apologies on behalf of all the people here at PeopleSportz. I assure you, Vance will be dealt with most severely because of this.
K: I should hope so. I've never been so scared in my life.
M: Again, I'm sorry, sir. Perhaps I could help you with your returns issue today.
K: Ummm... uhh... okay... yes, I guess so. (he looks around for the ball, finds it behind the counter, picks it up) I bought this here the other day (holds it out to Marcy, who literally dives to the floor and covers her head) and... uh...
M: Don't point it at me! Don't! Put it away! Put it away! Now!! Don't point it at me! Please!
K: But... it... doesn't work...
M: Please don't hurt me! Just please, please, please!! Put it away!
K: (fishing in his pocket) I... I have the receipt... in here...
M: Sir! I'm going to ask you one last time... and I'm going to be perfectly clear; so there can be no misunderstanding between us: put The Bounce! Now! ExtreemEnator TGS Series 500 synthetic with patented re-inertial g-scoping spin control and guaranteed anti-unreturn impact revectoring down! Now!!
K: (sets it down) Okay... okay! I just... I just want to return the ball because it doesn't work.
M: I'm going to have to ask you to leave now, sir...
K: I want my money back; it said "30 days, no questions asked".
M: Sir! I'm not kidding around. (she crawls behind the counter) You need to leave now!
K: (picking up the ball, getting angry) No! This ball... Series 500 or whatever, doesn't work! I want my money back!
(This exchange escalates to frantic screaming)
M: (peeking over counter) Dear God! Put it down... take it with you! I don't care! But you must leave now!
K: No! Give me my...
M: Now! Get out! Leave!
K: Not until I get my money!!
M: Get out! Get out!
K: Give me my money!
K: I'm not leaving until I get my money! (starts moving the ball toward her, reaching behind counter)
M: No!!! Ahhhhh!!!! Save me!!!
K: My money! (moves it closer to her)
M: Alright!! (everything quiets down) Let me get to the register.
(Kyle backs off, Marcy walks with extreme care by him, reaches under register, pulls out a large pistol, points it in Kyle's face)
K: (backing away now) You're sick... you know that don't you? I don't think I'll ever shop at PeopleSportz again.
M: Keep moving.
K: Don't think I won't write about this in my blog. I get twenty hits a day! You'll pay for this.
M: Don't look back.
(Kyle turns and sprints the rest of the way offstage. Marcy starts whimpering, nearly dropping from the tension of everything that has happened)
M: I'm getting too old for this shit. (replaces gun under register) Well, better give Vance a little refresher course in his customer service skills.
(walks offstage shaking her head as lights fade)
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