January 24, 2008

Thank You, Good Brethren, for Saving My Children from the Immoral Northfield Public Schools

It is with greatest respect that I express my appreciation to the brave battlers in the War Against Evil for protecting my fragile offspring from the wicked words found in so-called "novels" (or worse, "works of literature," whatever that's supposed to mean) that decidedly UnChristian Northfield High School administrators and teachers are forcing upon them.

These demon teachers fail to realize that my children are Christian! If exposed to swearing, they will easily succumb to its seductive call and become Not Christian because they are gullible and naive and cannot be counted on to speak cleanly after such a heinous, literary assault.

Here are more reasons I'm relieved that the evangelical community is finally standing up to the bully that is public education:

1. Teachers have been getting away with free speech for far, far too long.

2. Swearing in books will almost certainly induce swearing in buses and in hallways.

3. Art, unlike religion, is about devious mind control.

4. Provides me with a convenient target on which to unleash my fears.

5. Will lead children to prurient dissection of frog naughty bits, then to rape and murder.

6. If my tax dollars can't be used to buy Bibles for public schools, then they shouldn't be used to buy any other books either.

7. Profanity equals immorality; it's no coincidence that it's called "Hell" - a known swear word.

8. Reminds me that any problems with my child are almost certainly linked to the bad influence of education.

9. My children will appreciate life so much more when I do the tiring work of closing their minds for them.

10. Wolves never hide in sheep's clothing: If someone doesn't swear, they are obviously a good person.

11. Seeing the world with the powerful simplicity of a third-grade, right-or-wrong morality really helps me zip through my day.


ShOI said...

12. Thinking and learning use up valuable time that would be better spent fearing hell.

Brendon Etter said...

Fuck yeah.

Beautiful addition, Shoi.

Although I'd change "would" to "must".