January 31, 2008

How to Tell If You're Dealing with a Prog Rock Song

A Useful Guide:

1. Does the song feature solos on each of the band's instruments?

2. Do each of the solos go on for five minutes or more?

3. Does it seem that the band members are trying to convince you of their awesome musical talent at the expense of such concepts as entertainment and enjoyment?

4. Does the song come with its own philosophy and graduate level course in which to enroll?

5. Is the song's title not related to the song's content in any discernible way?

6. Do the liner notes refer to the song not as a "song", but rather as a "movement"?

7. Does the song make you understand why some people choose - nay, feel painfully compelled - to be high while listening to it?

8. Is the song somehow wacky yet completely humorless?

9. Do the song's lyrics feature the odd nexus of unicorns and Ayn Rand?

10. Do you get the feeling that the song might have been written by unicorns and/or Ayn Rand?

11. Is the song's title listed in outline format?

12. Does the song actually stop, change directions, tempo and key and then commence repeatedly ramming its mythical head up its mystical asshole?

13. Does the song suck for a very long time?

No comments: