I Would Be an Awesome President!

Here's why you should vote for me:


1. Most of the murder charges did not stick.

2. Changing my name to Brendon Notbush.

3. Sound fiscal policies like encouraging Americans to steal from rich foreigners more often.

4. Increasing sustainability through the development of the United States Strategic Used Paper Towel Reserve.

5. Doubling Constitutional rights on Two-for-Tuesdays.

6. I would speak with a different silly accent each month.

7. I am capable of both shaking it and moving it - invaluable in dance floor diplomacy.

8. I only ever sleep with one woman; her name is The United States of America, and she's a sexy, sexy bitch.

9. Three words: No more war-unless-my-poll-numbers-get-too-low.

10. Would reduce dependence on foreign oil by powering the smaller states with large packs of D batteries.

11. Respectable shooting percentage from beyond the arc.

12. Would end Middle East struggle by establishing a new, hybrid religion: Jislam.