On Orgasm

Ahh, yes, the orgasm... what is it?

I mean, we all know what it is, of course.

Don't we?

I hope someone does.

If you do, could you let me know? Please. It would really help with this article.

It might have something to do with sex. That's what I've been told.

Here's what I know about this poorly-researched and certainly underfilmed phenomenon. It is estimated that, every day in America, nearly four and a half people have an orgasm! The same four and a half people every day.

With increased immigration into the country, we might see that average rise to five people per day, eliminating that messy half-person's orgasm.

Orgasms typically result from vigorous stimulation of the genitals, or from shoe shopping (women only).

No man will ever prime her pump like a prime pair of pumps. This explains why women spend so much time and effort on finding proper shoes: each new pair holds the possibility of sexual fulfillment, while each new man holds the impossibility of sexual fulfillment.

If we, as a society, ever hope to harness this mystical beast called "Orgasm" and understand its allure, we must find these four and a half people... somewhere.

Ask yourself: Have I seen anyone, or half of anyone, quivering uncontrollably, eyes rolling back in his or her head, releasing fluid from between the legs, moaning indiscernibly? Have you?

Caution: This person, or half-person, might be experiencing an orgasm or a state-sponsored electrocution. How can you tell the difference? Is the chair plugged in, or are you in Texas? Both correlate strongly with electrocution. Failing either one of these signs, you could always ask.

If the person is not being executed, then quickly call the medical authorities. Orgasm sufferers must receive immediate intervention from professionals or risk extensive, long-term damage to their underwear and other sensitive tissues.

Chafing is a traumatic, but very real, possibility in chronic cases.

Extensive chafing, if in the wild, could set an entire forest ablaze. I beg you, for the trees, find these people. Get them help. Do it out of concern, out of spite, out of love for the great outdoors, for whatever reason, but do it, and then do it again.

And again!

Do it!

Harder!

Harder!

Do it! Do it!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Only you can prevent orgasm forest fires.

Thank you for understanding.