If I Recorded Hold Messages

Hold: The purgatory of telecommunications.

You're connected, but not all the way. It's like drowning: sure, you're in the pool, but you ain't swimming.

If I were in charge of the hold messages of this world, they would all be in English - take that not-good understanderers of American!

Also, I would try to inject something extra special into them, which, unfortunately, was the same reason I was convicted the first couple times. Apparently, not everyone likes an extra special injection, especially that bitch of a judge who was hearing my case.

Enough of that old, silly, raging bitterness and hatred, and back to being on hold and the interminable, dull-witted, assurances of my importance to which I must listen. These messages are in need of rewording, reinterpreting and repeating every 30 seconds between snatches of fucking awful, easy-listening, smooth jazz. (Really, who decided "easy-listening" meant "shit"? Shit is hard-listening, period.)

Here are some of my reworkings for various hold messages:


1. Thank you for calling 911. Your call is very important to us. One of our courteous, professional agents will be with you shortly. If this is an emergency, please hang up now and call 911.

2. Hello and thank you for communicating with the Organization for Overstated Obviousness via a telecommunications device of some sort. You are listening to a recording. This recording is now going to tell you that no one can speak to you at this exact moment; so you must continue to listen to this recording until someone else from O.O.O. that is not this recording can talk to you. No one can speak to you at this exact moment; you must continue to listen to this recording until someone else who is not this recording can speak to you. This recording is still speaking to you, and you are listening. It will now repeat what it said previously only as a means to continue to remind you that you are listening to a recording and no one else at O.O.O. is yet available to speak to you. No one can speak to you at this exact moment; you must continue to listen to this recording until someone else who is not this recording can speak to you. This recording is still speaking to you, and you are listening. It will now repeat what it said previously only as a means to continue to remind you that you are listening to a recording and no one else at O.O.O. is yet available to speak to you. No one can speak to you at this exact moment; you must continue to listen to this recording until someone else who is not this recording can speak to you....

3. Wow! You've reached the Suicide Hotline! First thing you've done right in a while, I'll bet. Your call is very important to us, but you are not. Our funding is based on the number of calls received, and we've just counted yours as received. So, can you hang up now? We don't want to tie up the line in case someone important decides to call.

4. You've reached the American On Hold Association - we didn't make America, but we make America wait. You are now on hold. Thank you for allowing us to fulfill your telecommunication delay needs. Please hang up as soon as you have become appropriately frustrated.

5. Hello, and thank you for calling your mother. Your call is important to me, sweetie; unfortunately I am busy attending to many of your other needs. I will be with you as soon as possible. Perhaps, you can just sit there and think about all the horrible things you did while you're waiting.

6. Thank you for calling Dial-An-Addict. You're so awesome. You're just amazing. You're always there to help me. I love you so much. I'm so sorry for all the crap I've put you through, but I'm going to straighten up from here on out. I promise. It's so important to me to answer your call right now, but I can't. Seriously, though, don't worry about it. I'll be there really soon, and then I'll totally make it up to you. Honest.

7. Welcome to the collective existential subconscious. Your call is representative of humanity's dire need to connect. We are all alone, but no one can ever be alone. The need for human connection will always be there. Omnipresent. You, like every other human being, needs to connect to try to defy the ultimate unknown: death. Though you are terminable, your desperation will keep you on hold interminably.

8. Gee! Thanks for calling your liver. I'd love to take your call, but you're killing me down here! What was that you drank last night? That shit takes a lot of work to clear out, you know? So, don't distract me right now, or I'll get the stomach involved. Understand?

9. Minimalist Hotline. Important, but hold. Talk soon.