January 27, 2008

Please Stop Confusing Me With God

Certainly, there are similarities, but God and I, despite the fact that we both capitalize our first names, are not the same person.

Here's a few differences to look for when determining whether you are dealing with me or with God.

1. I am 6'4" and built like Kate Moss with larger breasts; God is 5'11" and too fond of whip cream to fit in all but the 'Husky Deity' line of clothing.

2. God hates when you stick your tongue in his ear. Me? Well, just give it a try.

3. God is all-seeing and all-knowing. I am all-sleeping and very good at Trivial Pursuit.

4. I can still run a six-minute mile. God tells everyone he can, and the morons believe him.

5. God is vengeful and wrathful. I am jealous and cranky.

6. I am in touch with my feminine side. God assumes he's a man, but has his doubts.

7. I have a tattoo of a flaming skull on my back. God's is on his butt.

8. God's robes flow behind him like curls of wind. Mine frequently pop open in front of cute women I see in the park.

9. I built my house on solid ground. God built his on faith, but he's still paying off the mortgage.

10. God is omnipotent. I once drove a Dodge Omni.

11. I care about humanity. God cares about humanity only when humanity cares about God, and only when he's not doing something important.

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