February 7, 2007

A Play A Day #300

Community Forum


Setting: Bare stage, except a large tree trunk extending up to the top of the theater.

(Enter Buddy and Rex)

Buddy: I find it hard to believe that my esteemed colleague from Harvest Lane would make such a statement in so public a manner.

Rex: I was thrown by the sheer audacity of his claims as well; yet my sources have communicated to me that he has indeed made them.

Buddy: I know him so well. This truly would seem to be an abberation.

Rex: I hope so.

Buddy: Sometimes behavior can be so arbitrary. Cappy paid me a visit not three nights ago; relations appeared to be quite copacetic.

Rex: Sometimes even the best of noses can't smell a rat.

Buddy: True, true.

(enter Lady, Prince, Duke and Fifi)

Rex: Ahh! Welcome, welcome, one and all, on this rather austere day.

Lady: Is it true, what we've heard?

Prince: The entire way here, I was sensing the negative energy, but I couldn't read it out right on the nose.

Duke: It was there, the whole boulevard was redolent of the slanderous statements.

Fifi: Whatever will we do to fight back?

Rex: Friends, friends, let's not be too hasty. None of us have determined the exact nature of this message. We sense hate and evil, but we must first sniff out the true nature of the message that one of our own has left here.

Duke: In our community forum! This spot has been designated by generations of leaders as the bastion of civic-minded communication.

Prince: I am deeply disturbed by the possibility that this one spot for the preservation of civil discourse and sharing has been so tainted.

Fifi: As am I! We must get at this problem! It must be handled quickly!

Buddy: I think the time has come for reading the comments left on our forum.

Lady: Who has the stomach to tolerate them?

Rex: They had been brought to me. I will do the deed first and determine if it is safe for consumption by others.

(All walk to tree trunk and surround it, Rex sniffs around the base of the trunk for several seconds, saying "Hmmm" and "Ahh" and "Ohh my!")

Lady: What does he say?

Rex: Well, it is baseless in fact and rubbish in tone and argument, but it would be better for you all to read it for yourselves, if you so wish.

(All other sniff around tree for awhile, expressions of concern and anger all around)

Fifi: (from behind the tree) I found another posting back here! It's quite horrid!

(All, including Rex, sniff around the tree to the back, more utterances of surprise and frustration)

Prince: (as they start standing up) This is all too preposterous! We must respond in the firmest of possible tones!

Rex: Agreed?

(assent all around)

Rex: Very well, please formulate your counter-arguments. I will caution you to keep your tone civil, despite your justifiable anger; we must lead by example. Who shall post the first response?

Fifi: I will.

(Fifi advances to the tree, and takes a heroic stance, lifts her leg and "pees" - please don't actually make people pee on the stage - on the tree in several spots. She walks away with tears forming in her eyes. All advance on the tree, sniff.)

Buddy: Very well put, Fifi. Forceful, but not aggressive. You have proven yourself a valuable bitch.

Fifi: I will not have my community torn apart by such scurrilous accusations!

Rex: We know, we know, Fifi. Who's next?

Duke: I believe I'm ready.

Rex: By all means, the forum is yours.

(Duke also pees in such an impressive manner that everyone else claps as he finishes, then they all sniff)

Prince: Good show, old boy!

Lady: As always, Duke, your words inspire all to the hidden courage within! I will go!

(Does a very fast pee against tree, all sniff)

Buddy: Wow! Brevity is the soul of wit, indeed!

Fifi: I didn't know you had it in you, Lady.

Lady: You're too kind.

(Prince and Buddy advance on the tree at the same time)

Buddy: After you.

Prince: No, no, I wouldn't hear of it, after you, good sir.

Buddy: Many thanks.

(Buddy pees on tree, they all sniff)

Prince: Sterling commentary, my esteemed friend, to which I would only add...

(Prince pees on tree, all sniff)

Buddy: Ha! Well-placed and insightful jibe, my good man!

Rex: You truly are the wit of us all, Prince.

Lady: Very humourous, indeed.

(Rex pees on tree, all sniff)

Fifi: Stated like only a true leader can.

Prince: Well said, well said... good show, old chap.

Rex: Thank you, thank you, does anyone else have any closing comments they wish to leave?

(enter Cappy)

Cappy: I do.

(gasps all around, they back away from the tree, Rex staying closest, long pause)

Rex: Very well. Though I believe you have been the source of much grief in our traditionally well-heeled community, you are entitled to express a rebuttal. (pause) I would caution against using such language as in your initial post, and please read all comments left in response before issuing your rebuttal.

Cappy: (advancing aggressively, all growl in their throats as he passes, he sniffs around the tree for a while, then starts laughing, starting low and getting higher and more energetic as he continues sniffing, others respond with anger and shock as this laughter continues) You call those responses?! Such stuffy and pompous priggishness! You think you're right because you know the rules? All I can say is this!

(Cappy quickly pees around the entire base of the tree)

Cappy: And this!

(Cappy squats on his haunches and poops against the base of the tree, much shock and dismay expressed)

Cappy: There's my response. Deal with it.

(walks off calmly)

(others continue expressing ad libs of dismay, indignation, as they sniff the tree)

Rex: I will volunteer to read his most vulgar statement.

Fifi: Please, Rex, let's not dignify it by even sniffing it out.

Buddy: I agree, brave sir. Your offer is kind, but we offer too much by even reading it.

(others assent)

Rex: I appreciate your concern, but we must know the enemy to defeat him.

(Rex approaches and bravely begins sniffing the poop, does this for a long time, other begin to express concern to each other)

Lady: Rex?

Duke: What does he say, my good man?

Buddy: Rex?

(Rex stands up, thoughtful look on his face)

Rex: His message is cruel, crude and poorly-worded.... but, in a very bad way, he makes a very good point.

(astonished gasps, all slowly approach the poop, too curious to resist)

(lights fade out)


1 comment:

Brendon Etter said...

Three-fucking-hundred! Yipyipyip!

I'm going to go pee a congratulatory message to myself in the snow.

Anyone is welcome to sniff it at their leisure.