October 31, 2006

A Play A Day #201

Desperation Candy

Many unseen trick-or-treaters

Setting: Andy's front entryway, chair with a bowl of candy. Door is just offstage, saving you the trouble of having to cast a ton of children, or costume them.

(lights up, doorbell rings, Andy shuffles to door, opens it, his responses are sub-laconic, he is depressed and hating the world, even the straight lines are bitter and cynical)

Little kids: Trick or Treat!

Andy: Well, what a coincidence, I have some candy here. (plunks one piece out for each of them)

Little kids: (as door is closing) Thank you.

(Andy starts walking off, doorbell, back to door, opens it)

Older kid with a little kid: Trick or treat!

Andy: Wow! Neat! This has happened before... what do I do in this situation? (thinks for a while) Ahh, yes... (puts candy into their bags) See ya.

(door closes)

Andy: No "thank you"? Nice.

(pause, doorbell, etc...)

Little kids: Trick or treat!

Andy: Hey, that's neat that you brought your dog with you!

One of the little kids: Actually, she's my little sister. She's in a dog costume.

Andy: Your dog's your sister? Whoa... I won't ask. Just take your candy and slowly walk away.

Little kids: Thank you!

(door closes, pause, Andy shuffles away, doorbell, etc)

Little kid: Trick or treat!

Andy: Nice costume.

Little kid: I'm pretending I'm invisible!

Andy: (handing out candy) I'm pretending you are too.

Little kid: Thank you!


Older kids: Trick or treat!

Andy: Hey! You guys drive here?

Older kid: Yeah.

Andy: (handing out candy) Alright, each one of these pieces of candy represents an express contract between me and the receiver that my property will not be burned or otherwise vandalized by any of you, and in exchange, I agree not to laugh at you, right now, for trick or treating past the age of fourteen. Deal?

(murmurs of assent)

(door closes)

Andy: I guess getting them to say "thank you" could have bogged down negotiations well into the night.

(doorbell, etc...)

Little kid: Trick or treat.

Andy: What are you?

Little kid: I'm Jesus.

Andy: Hey, Jesus. I'm unhappy. (hands over some candy)

Little kid: Thank you.

Andy: I always figured Jesus would come back for a Snickers.


Older voice: Hello, I'm trick or treating for canned goods for local charities.

Andy: Great! I'll be right back. (walking off stage) Haven't been shopping much lately. (returning) Here you go. (hands over two cans)

Older voice: Thank you, sir.

Andy: Good thing the lights are low or I never would have been able to get rid of that paint thinner.


Little kids: Boo!

Andy: Great. Now I've got nontraditionalists. Hold on. (walks offstage, walks back on) In honor of your breaking with tried-and-true trick or treating tradition, I present you with a nontraditional offering. (holds up one fork) But you gotta share it among the four of you. Oh, and make sure you wash it first, it was under the couch for a while.


Andy: This is too much.

Little kids: Tri...

(Andy has very quickly tossed a couple pieces of candy out the door and let the door shut right behind them)

Andy: Hey, that was better.


Little kid: Trick...

Andy: Hey, Satan. Here ya go. You can still catch Jesus if you hurry.


Andy: Who am I trying to kid? I hate this.

Older kids: Trick or...

Andy: I know! Alright?! Shut up already, damn! (throws candy out the door with some force) Fetch!

(door closes)

Andy: Lost my job, girlfriend's gone, don't even have e-mail anymore, and I gotta deal with this crap all night?


Adult voice: Trick or treat!

Andy: What? Hello? Don't you have kids of your own?

Adult voice: I know, I'm making a concerted effort to recapture my inner child.

Andy: (digging in the candy bowl, searching) Well, I'm making a concerted effort to find some chocolatey dignity for you, but I'm coming up way short.

Adult voice: It's part of my therapy.

Andy: Great! (hands out a piece of candy) That'll be $150. (door starts to close) Good luck catching that little fucker.


Andy: Have to end this somehow.

Little kids: Trick or treat!

Andy: (gives them the bowl and all the candy) Enjoy.

(door closes)

Andy: Just horrible, the whole thing. (shuffles offstage)

(doorbell, Andy rushes to the door, flings it open)

Little kids: Tr...

Andy: NO CANDY! (stabs himself with large knife) NO CANDY! (stab) No Candy! (stab) No candy! (stab)

(kids screaming, blood everywhere, Andy continues stabbing himself and saying "no candy" but gets weaker and weaker, slumps to the floor and lets the door close)

(lights start fading)

Andy: Bastards... didn't even say "thank you"...

(lights out)


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