Greatest Thing Since
Setting: A wooded trail.
Sheila: Wow, The Alaskan Republic is so amazing! I haven't seen a car in, probably like...
Justin: Been at least two minutes!
Cam: Closer to three...
S: Yeah, yeah! That's almost creepy.
C: I told you guys that you wouldn't believe it up here... makes the Rockies look like a suburb.
J: Hey, there are still some strips of undeveloped land there...
C: I know, I know, but you know what I'm saying.
S: Guys, I'm kinda getting hungry.
J: You brought lunch, didn't you, Cam?
C: Of course, of course...
(they sit on the ground together, Cam opens his backpack, pulls out a small handheld device and a slightly larger device with a large slot in one side)
S: How far did we go?
J: (checking his wrist, small watch-like device attached) 2.17 miles, averaging almost the same miles per hour... average mood: excited with scattered peaks of contentment... bladder is nearly half full... whoa, better keep an eye on that level... hate to have an accident.
S: Gross... that's why you have a Global Dispositioning System in the first place. Don't wet yourself around us and say you didn't know it was coming.
J: Relax, Sheila... relax. Geez. I know how to monitor my own bodily functions, thank you very much.
C: So who wants what?
S: Do you have a signal?
C: Sure, always do, my skull is a wireless hotspot.
S: I just want a PB and J.
C: White or wheat?
S: Wheat's fine.
C: Creamy, chunky, or liquified?
S: Creamy, of course.
(C does some business with the smaller device, the old cranking dot-matrix printer sound is heard for a while after which two slices of wheat bread slide into the slot on the larger device, more business and a small packet of peanut butter then jelly come out, again accompanied by the old dot matrix printing sound, S takes each as they arrive)
S: Perfect! Fresh-printed bread in the middle of nearly-nowhere.
S: Pita with hummus and tomato slices.
C: Comin' up... I know just the site for that. Makes the best hummus anywhere on the web.
(Dot matrix sound as the printer prints each item again, including two tomato slices)
S: Hey, I need a knife... gotta spread this around.
C: Sorry, forgot that!
S: Hey, no big deal, so did I.
(C prints a small plastic knife for her)
C: You don't mind just the plastic knife, do ya? It really saves printoms.
S: It's fine... still works for me!
J: That's knife looks a little thin... you running low?
C: Well, let's see if I can get my lunch out of here... (to his handheld device) just print out my hamburger...
(Printer prints out just a slice of ham)
C & J: Yep.
C: Getting low.
J: Too bad.
C: (working on handheld device) No problem...
(A new printom cartridge prints out, C takes it, opens printer, replaces the cartridge, then prints out his hamburger)
C: Anybody want this? (holds up old printom cartridge)
J: Yeah. (puts cartridge in his pita and crunches down on it)
S: No sense in it going to waste.
C: We could just leave it to the squirrels.
J: Did you see a squirrel? I haven't yet.
S: Was there one back by that old shack?
C: Here you go! (a squirrel is printed out of the printer, scampers away)
J: Oh! That was a lively one!
C: Well, fresh cartridge and all...
S: I suppose.
J: You know, it's feeling a little chilly now that we stopped. Can you grab me my jacket?
S: Me too...
C: Yeah... they're on your homepages, right?
S: Yep... the green windbreaker should be fine.
C: Got it.
(printer starts printing out a green windbreaker)
S: Thanks, Cam.
C: (checking the printer as it prints the jacket) Crap. Running low on batteries. Better print some more when the jacket's done.
(lights start fading)
J: I call dibs on the old ones... I'm still kinda hungry over here.
(lights out on the ongoing printer sound)