October 26, 2006

A Play A Day #196

Greatest Thing Since


Setting: A wooded trail.

Sheila: Wow, The Alaskan Republic is so amazing! I haven't seen a car in, probably like...

Justin: Been at least two minutes!

Cam: Closer to three...

S: Yeah, yeah! That's almost creepy.

C: I told you guys that you wouldn't believe it up here... makes the Rockies look like a suburb.

J: Hey, there are still some strips of undeveloped land there...

C: I know, I know, but you know what I'm saying.

S: Guys, I'm kinda getting hungry.

J: You brought lunch, didn't you, Cam?

C: Of course, of course...

(they sit on the ground together, Cam opens his backpack, pulls out a small handheld device and a slightly larger device with a large slot in one side)

S: How far did we go?

J: (checking his wrist, small watch-like device attached) 2.17 miles, averaging almost the same miles per hour... average mood: excited with scattered peaks of contentment... bladder is nearly half full... whoa, better keep an eye on that level... hate to have an accident.

S: Gross... that's why you have a Global Dispositioning System in the first place. Don't wet yourself around us and say you didn't know it was coming.

J: Relax, Sheila... relax. Geez. I know how to monitor my own bodily functions, thank you very much.

C: So who wants what?

S: Do you have a signal?

C: Sure, always do, my skull is a wireless hotspot.

S: I just want a PB and J.

C: White or wheat?

S: Wheat's fine.

C: Creamy, chunky, or liquified?

S: Creamy, of course.

(C does some business with the smaller device, the old cranking dot-matrix printer sound is heard for a while after which two slices of wheat bread slide into the slot on the larger device, more business and a small packet of peanut butter then jelly come out, again accompanied by the old dot matrix printing sound, S takes each as they arrive)

S: Perfect! Fresh-printed bread in the middle of nearly-nowhere.

C: Justin?

S: Pita with hummus and tomato slices.

C: Comin' up... I know just the site for that. Makes the best hummus anywhere on the web.

(Dot matrix sound as the printer prints each item again, including two tomato slices)

S: Hey, I need a knife... gotta spread this around.

C: Sorry, forgot that!

S: Hey, no big deal, so did I.

(C prints a small plastic knife for her)

C: You don't mind just the plastic knife, do ya? It really saves printoms.

S: It's fine... still works for me!

J: That's knife looks a little thin... you running low?

C: Well, let's see if I can get my lunch out of here... (to his handheld device) just print out my hamburger...

(Printer prints out just a slice of ham)

C & J: Yep.

C: Getting low.

J: Too bad.

C: (working on handheld device) No problem...

(A new printom cartridge prints out, C takes it, opens printer, replaces the cartridge, then prints out his hamburger)

C: Anybody want this? (holds up old printom cartridge)

J: Yeah. (puts cartridge in his pita and crunches down on it)

S: No sense in it going to waste.

C: We could just leave it to the squirrels.

J: Did you see a squirrel? I haven't yet.

S: Was there one back by that old shack?

C: Here you go! (a squirrel is printed out of the printer, scampers away)

J: Oh! That was a lively one!

C: Well, fresh cartridge and all...

S: I suppose.

J: You know, it's feeling a little chilly now that we stopped. Can you grab me my jacket?

S: Me too...

C: Yeah... they're on your homepages, right?

S: Yep... the green windbreaker should be fine.

C: Got it.

(printer starts printing out a green windbreaker)

S: Thanks, Cam.

C: (checking the printer as it prints the jacket) Crap. Running low on batteries. Better print some more when the jacket's done.

(lights start fading)

J: I call dibs on the old ones... I'm still kinda hungry over here.

(lights out on the ongoing printer sound)


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