October 16, 2006

A Play A Day #186

Infernal Monologue


Setting: A bar.

Gina: (coming to the bar to order a drink, to invisible bartender) Vodka martini... yes... thank you (turning around, seeing Ben seated a couple stools away, Ben notices her noticing him)

Ben: (loudly) Hey! (more quietly) "Hello" would work too, "hey" seems a little too desperately familiar.

Gina: Hello, then...

Ben: (relieved that he gets another chance) Yes, hello. (more quietly) Now that seemed a little bit like I was trying to overcompensate for the desperate familiarity thing.

Gina: What? No... no... heavens, no... either "hey" or "hello" is fine with me.

Ben: Are you alone? (pause while Gina thinks about how to respond, then more quietly) Shit! What a stupid question! You can't ask a hot girl that in a bar; now she probably thinks I'm a rapist or something.

Gina: Ummm... are you okay?

Ben: Yes! Yes, yes... I'm fine... thanks for asking. (more quietly) Still, I hope she is alone; you can never get a woman to leave with you when she's got her whiney, protective friends along.

Gina: Uhhh... you sure? You seem a little... confused?

Ben: No! Not me. I've never seen you here before. (more quietly) I've never seen her here before; she's totally gorgeous.

Gina: (flattered, creeped out) No... I've never been... here before.

Ben: It's a good place, not a lot of shady characters, you know? (more quietly) Man, I wonder if she'll fuck me on a first date? Money... I'll turn the conversation toward money.

Gina: No, I haven't seen a lot of shady characters, I guess... (starts playing with him now) Do you want to talk about money?

Ben: (suprised) Hey! Yeah! Sounds good! (more quietly) Shit, gotta come up with a good one this time?

Gina: You look like a neurosurgeon.

Ben: A what? (more quietly) Neuro, neuro? What one is that? Heart surgeon? No...

Gina: Brain.

Ben: Yes! I am! The brain, and the whole head really. Any type of head sorta surgery. That's what I do. (more quietly) Right! She totally thinks I'm a neuro surgeon doctor! Big score... she's mine now.

Gina: Wow! The whole head? That's amazing! You must earn a lot of money!

Ben: Well, I don't like to brag... you know... money's not the important thing. I'm sorry... I'm Ben (moves right next to her) And you are? (more quietly) Not that I'll even remember her name in a few hours!

Gina: I'm Gina. (they shake hands, Ben holds on uncomfortably long and pulls in closer)

Ben: Beautiful name... Gina... as I was saying, money isn't the important thing. In fact, I was just telling my chauffeur this morning that I would give up the penthouse suite overlooking the beach, the wine cellar, the Italian vacation home, and the personal chef in exchange for finding that special someone. (more quietly) Wine cellar? Nice one, Ben! Good work... it's romantic and rich, without being too flashy.

Gina: (pretending to be very aroused) Ohhh... Ben. It sounds like you have a very nice life. I'm sorry that you haven't found that special someone yet. Maybe I can help out in that regard.

Ben: Well... hey, I don't like to go fast... so many women, you know, are attracted to the enomous personal wealth, but I really need to know that any woman I might decide to see is in love with me, not my stockpiles of money. (more quietly) Very sincere, Ben... she'll probably want to assure me that she's interested in me as a person.

Gina: (rubbing up against him) I bet you get a lot of gold diggers, but, Ben, I want to assure you that I am interested in you as a person.

Ben: Women never say that to me, Gina... I can tell you're a special gal. (more quietly) Okay, time to get her out of here... I'll pretend I have to go to work to force her hand.

Gina: We should get going, huh?

Ben: (already pulling out his cell phone to pretend that he is going to talk to work, stops) What? (more quietly) What? That was easy. Just like her.

Gina: Yeah; I'd love to talk to you some place more quiet; you know, see what else we might have in common. Why don't we go to your penthouse? (she mimics his audible internal monologue mannerisms, more quietly) Maybe, he won't notice my penis until we're really getting hot and heavy.

Ben: (pulls away sharply, but tries to remain calm) Uhhh... yeah... we should definitely... (not even looking at his cell phone) Hey, the hospital's calling, it's about Mrs. O'Reilly's head surgery. (slams cell phone to his ear without even opening it) Hello! Yes? Mrs. O'Reilly?! Damnit! I'll be right there! Yes, use the strong tape until I get there! (more quietly) Stay calm, Ben, calm, calm... back away from the freak.

Gina: (scribbling out a phone number on a napkin) But, Ben... here, take my phone number! (Ben grabs it, turns quickly, starts leaving)

Ben: Nice to meet you... (more quietly, as he exits) Don't look back, don't look back, don't look back.

(lights fade)

Gina: (laughing to herelf) Head surgeon? Unbelievable... (more laughter)

(lights out)


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