June 30, 2006

A Play A Day #78

More Directions Less


Setting: Gary and Ruby pull over in their car, roll down the window and hail a pedestrian, Claude, for directions. Claude speaks to Ruby and Gary through Ruby's window. She is the passenger.

Ruby: Excuse me... Excuse... Yes, sir? Hi! Do you live around here?

Claude: Sure do, for almost two years now!

Ruby: Great! Could you help us?

Claude: (coming to window) Sure.

Ruby: Thank you... ummm... we are looking for... 18338 Pine... Crest Shore... Ridge... ummm... Drive?

Claude: O.K.

Gary: Great! You know where it is?

Claude: Sure do. It's real easy to get there!

Ruby: Oh good; we're already a bit late...

Claude: O.K. What you want to do is keep going on this road here, this is Lake Shore Lane...

Ruby: Right...

Claude: This will angle to the left slightly for a quarter mile, then turn to the right somewhat for a half mile, you'll be going southeasterly at that time.

Gary: Southeast, O.K.

Claude: Well, southeasterly, anyway... then after about a half mile you'll veer to the right a bit more, that's Pine Crest Shore Ridge Street.

Ruby: That's it?

Claude: No, that was Pine Crest Shore Ridge Street, not Drive... now take the leftish turn after the fourth or fifth tan house on your left, that'll be Pine Crest Shore Ridge Parkway, stay on that for maybe about a third of a mile....

Ruby: (frantically searching for a pencil and paper now, finding it, trying to keep up) Uhhh...

Claude: Now, Pine Crest Shore Ridge Parkway, curves around to right until you end up back on Pine Crest Shore Ridge Street again, but a different section of Pine Crest Shore Ridge Street that you couldn't access when you were on the main section of Pine Crest Shore Ridge Street.

Gary: Ummm... could you...

Claude: Now, you'll want to turn to the right, and you'll be on that section of Pine Crest Shore Ridge Street for about ten feet, take the left turn and double back along that road, which is Pine Crest Shore Ridge Lane, for about a half mile. Now, you'll go past Pine Crest Shore Ridge Circle, Pine Crest Shore Ridge Boulevard, and Pine Crest Shore Ridge Ridge, then drift about ten degress to the right until you're on Pine Crest Shore Ridge Avenue, follow through three full spiraling loops to the northwest.

Ruby: I'm not sure if I...

Claude: Now, here's where it gets a little tricky... at the bottom of the third loop the road will split into six streets, Pine Crest Shore, Pine Crest Ridge Shore, Pine Shore Ridge Crest, Pine Ridge Crest Crest, Crest Pine Crest Shore Ridge, and Oak Street. You could take Oak Street, but it's soccer time, and you're just not gonna be able to get by all the traffic. So, I recommend you take the obvious choice, Pine Ridge Crest Crest.

Ruby: Could you please....

Claude: Now follow Pine Ridge Crest Crest until it meets with Ridge Pine Pine Pine Lane, follow that around to a stop sign where Ridge Pine Pine Pine Lane crosses Pine Pine Crest Pine Ridge Drive at about a one hundred and fifty degree angle. You'll want to take the hard right onto Pine Pine Crest Pine Ridge Drive, take that as it arcs around the green for about three-quarters of a mile. Take the fifth right on the second Pine Ridge Crest Butte Avenue, ignore the first Pine Ridge Crest Butte Avenue, because that section of it dead ends at Pine Ridges Crested Condominiums.

Gary: Really... sir...

Claude: You're almost there, follow Pine Ridge Crest Butte Avenue onto Butte Crest Drive, then your first right on Crest Butte Lane, then a hard left onto Pine Crest Butte Road. Stay on that past four or five tan houses, then take the third left onto Four Pines Crest Butte Ridge, follow that past three condominium developments, one tan, one buff and one sand-colored, then drive through the parking lot throughway, and take the next left and that's Pine Crest Shore Ridge Drive, you'll go about a half-mile down that road, then it will split, veer to the left and follow the circle around for a little bit and you'll see 18338 on your left.

Ruby: I... uhhhh...

Claude: You can't miss it. It's a tan house with a three car garage. Mind you, it's tan! Not the taupe and beige and desert and nude houses nearby... the tan one.

Gary: So we stay straight on this road...

Claude: Yep! It's only about a mile from here, as the crow flies.

Ruby: Ummm... sir, can I ask you what happens when the ambulance needs to get to someone out here?

Claude: Ambulance?

Ruby: In an emergency, yes...

Claude: Well, it usually only takes them about forty-five minutes or so!

Gary: (horrified) Forty-five!?

Claude: Yes, I know... so fast! Especially considering they almost never come out here!

Ruby: They don't?

Claude: Nope. Nothing bad ever happens out here. It's the suburbs.

(Claude gives them a little head nod and walks off; Gary and Ruby stare straight ahead, overwhelmed, and lights fade out.)


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

OK- that was hilarious.

And I do like _most_ of your plays :).