June 25, 2006

A Play A Day #73



Setting: Sofa and chair.

Dapper: (entering) Napper! Napper! Wake up! Wake up!

Napper (on sofa, waking up) Hunnhh? Wha??

D: Listen! I figured it out, Napper! I got it! Finally! I got it!

N: Dapper, leave me be; I'm trying to nap...

D: Listen! Listen! I've got the idea, man! Thee million, maybe thee billion dollar idea!

N: Again? Third time this week?

D: No! Listen! Do you want to hear it or not?

N: No!

D: Last chance to get a cut on the action, Napper!

N: No!

D: Did you hear me?

N: Yes! Leave!

D: Alright, I'll tell you! Thee billion dollar....

N: Shut up, please!

D: No, maybe even theeee trillion dollar idea!

N: Trillion?

D: Full-proof, guaranteed, fail-safe winner!

N: Uhh-huh.

D: O.K. Ready?

N: What?

D: What the most precious resource on this planet?

N: Pizza?

D: Wrong! Air! And what's the second most precious resource on the planet?

N: Porn?

D: Wrong again! Water! And what do you get when you combine air and water?

N: Humidity.

D: Well, yeah, but also, you get life! You know?! As in everything?

N: Life isn't everything.

D: Yeah! It is!

N: No, there's tons of non-living things in the world.

D: Whatever! That's not the point! The point is life!

N: Good.

D: Get it?

N: Life, yep.

D: No, the point is... who owns life?

N: Monsanto?

D: Who?

N: Frickin' huge agribusiness, gentic manipulation dickweeds...

D: Whatever, screw that... no, no, the answer is no one... no one owns life!

N: You're a genius.

D: But, what would you say if I told you that you could own life?

N: You're a genius.

D: Now, I know you can't own life, but maybe, just maybe, you could rent it!

N: Now, you're an extra genius.

D: You know how I told you when I was younger, my grandma bought me a piece of the rainforest for my twelfth birthday.

N: So?

D: Turns out she didn't buy any rainforest at all, she just paid money to this organization that was trying to protect the rainforest. You would pay them so much a year and they would "claim" a space for you in the rainforest. The more you paid; the bigger space you got.

N: And?

D: And, once a year, I'd get a letter and a small map in the mail saying "thanks for the gift and for supporting the work we are doing to protect the rainforest" and the map would have a little dot showing you approximately where your your space was in the rainforest.

N: Yeah. So now you want to do this?

D: Sort of, except on a bigger scale.

N: Bigger?

D: Yeah! I want to sell people life on the planet.

N: In exchange for what?

D: A letter once a year, saying "Thank you for supporting life on the planet Earth!" Then a picture of some living thing on the planet somewhere.

N: That's it?

D: Yeah! Awesome, isn't it!

N: No. What are you actually going to do to support life on planet Earth?

D: What do you mean?

N: Like the rainforest organization your grandma sent money to, they used the money to help save the rainforest right?

D: No idea.

N: I would assume they did.

D: Maybe, but how would I know? They could have been taking the money, pocketing it, sending out the same damn letter and map once a year to everyone.

N: Dap, they clear these organizations through oversight and federal regulations. If they're not legit, they get shut down pretty fast.

D: Sure, but who's to say I won't be legit?

N: Well, what will you do with the money people send you?

D: Put it in my bank account.

N: Then you're not legit.

D: Sure I am!

N: You're not supporting life on planet Earth.

D: Yes! I'm supporting myself. I'm alive.

N: Yes, but the point is to support life that is endangered in some way.

D: I got mugged last year.

N: That's not what I mean. You pay in to get some benefit from the service, some work done for a good cause on your behalf with your money.

D: I will give that to them. I will spend their money in Earth-friendly ways. That way I will be saving life on Earth.

N: You're not getting it.

D: I get it completely. It's my idea! People will be renting life from me. I will be the new landlord of the planet. What's not to get.

N: Can I go back to sleep now?

D: So how much do you think things should cost?

N: What?

D: Here's what I'm playing around with $10 a year for a plant, 25 for a tree, 50 for a large mammal, 100 for a human, 200 for a lake, 400 for a river, 100,000 for an ocean... there's lots of others that I could add... insects, glaciers, mountains, swamps, etc...

N: You don't own the rights to these things, and you will be doing nothing to protect them. Especially the humans.

D: I don't need "rights" to any of them. When I get enough of the world's money; I will spend it on a huge organization that will do all the protecting for me.

N: Right, sure... ummm...

D: I will own the organization, and the people of the world will be renting life from me, from my organization, we will have enough of the world's money to tell everyone exactly what they can or can't do with the life around them, and, so, we will be protecting life on Earth.

N: Protecting life from life?

D: Someone's gotta do it, Nap.

N: So, you will be the Earth's ruler.

D: Landlord.

N: And if no one buys into your little scheme?

D: That's what guns are for.

N: What?

D: Well, enough people will be suckers at first. I'll easily be able to afford small thug squads to help people realize that it's to their advantage to give.

N: Extortion?

D: Hey, anything to save the Earth.

N: Whatever.

D: So, what're you going to give?

N: Nothing! Take your stupid-ass idea out of here and let me sleep.

D: Sure about that?

N: Yes! Leave!

(Dapper exits, pause for several seconds as Napper settles back in, two large men in suits and shades walk on. They are carrying aluminum baseball bats, lights start fading, they nudge Napper with the bats)

N: Daminit Dap! (rolls over, sees the thugs) Ahhhhhhh!! (they stand there menacingly, Napper clambors upright on the couch, eys wide with fear, lights out.)


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oo- I like this- very funny. I've had similar thoughts- only I want to start "The Church of Me"- churches don't have to file non-profit tax returns, but they can still receive tax deductible contributions... :)